Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Merlotmom Does Japan: Part 3 - How To Keep Your Kids Smiling While Traveling: A Tutorial

I know you're ANXIOUSLY awaiting the tale of my ER incident and the PEED ON MY FOOT fiasco, as well as more virtual touring of Japan, but I think you (and by you I mean I) need a momentary break from temples and shrines (and hideously long, time-sucking posts...and painfully long run-on sentences).

International travel is hard;  the long flight, the time change, the dearth of restaurants serving chicken fingers and grilled cheese...  

We knew taking the kids abroad would be an adventure (and by adventure I mean pain in the ass).  So we gave no a lot of thought to how to keep the Merlot kiddies smiling.

Take a look...

First we prayed to the G-ds that we wouldn't kill each other
Then hubby and I got to work

 We dropped everything upon hearing the first, "I'm thirsty" and bought them whatever they wanted to drink

 

No matter the beverage was loaded with caffeine and high-fructose corn syrup  
Artificial stimulants kept them in motion



We didn't wait for the predictable groan, "I'm hungry"
  We bought them food whenever and wherever it was available


 
 

No matter much of the foods were packed with trans-fats and processed sugars  
We dubbed them our empty calorie engines that could


We timed our itinerary to hit the hotel just as the toxins reached their jittery, nutrient-deprived brains

and we rested our feet



and turned on the TV 
and handed out Nintendos like it was Christmas


  



We took them to restaurants where the entertainment was included


We swallowed slimy and deep-fried sea creatures with multitudes of legs


Hubby took Merlot boy to a Japanese baseball game



 We stayed at an American hotel in Kyoto (Hyatt) with modern rooms, separate beds,  and gourmet hamburgers
(don't miss Merlot boy's body in the background)

We bought Merlot boy a dry shirt after he got soaked a few drops on him in the rain



We bought Merlot boy yet another jersey because he whined and pouted politely asked for it


We forced him to pose for lots of silly pictures


And if any of that failed to whip them into shape
we didn't hesitate to make the following threats:


 "Behave or you'll trade places with that monkey and have to work for a living"




"Stop complaining or we'll leave you in the big scary bamboo forest to find your way home"





"Quit fighting or we'll call the babysitter"








So... should any of you find yourselves traveling abroad with your kids, feel free to use my kinda, sorta, oh who am i kidding foolproof methods for a peaceful and enjoyable trip.
Or you can contact me here for more expert advice: 
merlotmom@losangelesdepartmentofchildservices.com/holdingcell8 
あなたの歓迎
(Your welcome)

P.S.  This post?  MAJOR time suck.




13 Comments:

Heather said...

Hi...you are amazing, seriously. I have three little's myself and I don't know how you are managing. I think you are my new Hero.
I don't even know you, but saw your blog linked to another SV mom's email. Hope you make it home in 1 piece.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Your kids are so lucky to be able to experience different countries and cultures at such a young age.

Bamboo!!!

Connie said...

That was great! Your kids are adorable!

Ellyn said...

Looks like a great great trip even with the threats and trans fats.

Toddie said...

Awesome advice. I'll be heading to China in Nov. with dear daughter and will religiously take your advice. You forgot taking bootlegs of Spongebob on DVD, though.

P.S. Original said...

Im a firm believer in the power of a fifty....check it out..."I didn't raise two no neck monsters!"

www.psoriginal.blogspot.com

csquaredplus3 said...

Forbidden fruit is aplenty when traveling with kids. I completely understand you giving them high fructose corn syrup, trans-fats, video games until they're cross-eyed... I've done it all too. Shameful, but necessary.

My name is Chris, and I'm a give-'em-what-they-want-aholic. Admitting it is the first step.

Magpie said...

I can see how feeding them at every turn would work.

Looks like it was fun. And exhausting.

Headless Mom said...

Merlot boy and Headless Boy 1 go to the same hairdresser. Srsly.

Maggie, Dammit said...

HA! I love the threats.

ByJane said...

The Merlots Do Japan - now playing at your local multiplex. BYOPopcorn.

JCK said...

Those are good threats. The babysitter doesn't look like that here.

InTheFastLane said...

What a great opportunity for your kids! Looks like you made the most of it. Great pictures!

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