Friday, August 22, 2008

That's What Blogger Friends Are For

Today's guest post is from Maggie at OkayFineDammit. She had taken a sanity hiatus from blogging and through, TheBloggess, I was introduced to her, and her many, MANY, ecstatic fans, the day she came out of hiding . She is an amazing writer and, well, I just like her, dammit! That is why I'm honored to host this post for her - one that, for reasons you will understand momentarily, she could not put on her own blog but sorely needed to write. I'm happy to give her a safe place to express herself. That's what blogger friends are for.

When Merlot Mom asked me to guest post here, I about went out of my mind with glee. Honestly, no one has ever asked me to guest post before, and I was overwhelmingly ecstatic and humbled by her request -- just ask her how quickly I responded. I still feel that way, though so much has changed since then.

Originally, the plan was to dig through Merlot Mom's archives; get to know her tone, figure out what inspires her; find words that wouldn't sully her space in her absence.... I didn't know what I would write, I just knew that after reading through her archives, I'd have a pretty good idea, and I'd go from there.

And then something happened. Last night, my brother tried to kill himself.

I don't know when this will post, but as I'm writing these words, I haven't slept for sixteen hours. I did not complete the article that was due today, nor have I bothered to contact my editor with an excuse. I have not showered. I have not even brushed my teeth. I am suffocating on verbal vomit, physically choking back words not safe for use on my own blog.

We're all writers here, right? Isn't that why we blog and gobble up other blogs so voraciously? We all can identify with the urge to wrestle our vaporous inner demons until they solidify on the page, to mark ourselves present in life's roll call, to say, "I'm here, dammit!" no matter how bad it gets. To be seen, acknowledged; to be validated. To work through things we can't understand until we've seen them for ourselves, by the grace of our own fingers dancing across the keyboard.

I've come to depend upon my blog as a sacred space that helps me figure out what I think, helps me name how I feel. It's indescribably therapeutic, and that's why it's so debilitating, to be like this: muzzled.

I get personal on my site, but never at the expense of those who did not ask to be revealed. I respect that my family and friends did not make the choice I did, to expose their veiny underbellies to the world. There is no way in hell I would ever say, on my own blog, that I was destroyed, vacuumed out, chewed to bits -- flat-out fish-knife gutted -- by the events of last night. I don't mind a bunch of Internet acquaintances knowing that I have an alcoholic, bipolar younger brother -- I am not ashamed. And because his story is inextricably interwoven with my own life's tapestry, one could argue I have the right to expose its weave if I so choose. But my blog is widely read by people I do know in real life, and so I draw the line. These words, his pain, my own undoing -- it's not for public entertainment. What's left today of his soul is not for sale, at least, not by me.

Still, I know myself well enough to know that at least part of the paralysis I felt today came not only from the aftershock of last night's scene (hunched helpless on the floor at 2:00am, waiting for the inevitable gunshot to shatter my cellular's speaker phone, the painful grating of his words to his wife, and to me, meant to cut, meant to destroy, the hours that passed like minutes, the arrival of the police, the heart-smashing vision of him in handcuffs, the sobbing puddle I became, the lack of sleep up until this minute), no, it didn't come only from that scene; it came from the inability to use my words to make sense of it. To write the post I needed to write, but couldn't. And so I stayed right here, in bed, all day, teeth un-brushed, body unmoved, article unwritten, its words wedged tight behind the dam of these other, unspeakable ones.

Until I remembered Merlot Mom's offer, and saw it for the true gift it was. Until I knew exactly what I would write here.

I cannot link to this post on my own blog, unfortunately. I cannot promote Merlot Mom's site on mine the way I wish I could. There are ways I'll circle around it, I'm sure; maybe I'll Twitter, maybe I'll email some of you and point you here -- but there will not be a mention of this on my own blog. If you, by chance, travel over there to comment, I will welcome your words, but I hope that you will not cite specifics. I want you to see these words, but I would never want my brother, nor anyone who knows him, to read what's been written here today.

Ohhhh, but how it has helped already. I don't even feel the pressure to turn this into an essay, to circle back and stun you with its profundity. I don't know what it means, what the lesson is, what move I will make next. I just know that today, I've been given a gift, an astonishing gift, to freely speak the words that have held me hostage all day long.

Last night, my very drunk, very sick brother held a loaded gun to his head for hours and I did not know what the outcome would be. He survived, for now, and, you know what? So did I. In no small part because I was able to say it aloud, here. Just to speak its name, suicide, no details necessary. No neat, tied up post, no promising mantra for tomorrow.

There is only one thing I know about what's going to happen next.

I'm going to get out of bed, walk the sweet, familiar path into my bathroom, and finally brush my teeth.

89 Comments:

Gypsy said...

Oh, Maggie. I'm so sorry. And I'm so glad you were able to get this out here. As much as we share on blogs, sometimes... well, anyway. I understand. And I'm thinking about you and your brother and your family. {hugs}

Gypsy said...

And thanks, Merlot Mom, for inviting Maggie over.

Pare said...

I'm proud of you sweetness.

Miss Britt said...

So much of the words you've been writing since then make SO much more sense now.

And I imagine how it must have torn you up to write the vague and ambiguous. Because you're right - we DO need to get it out, we have to.

But it's not fully cathartic to say it until we know that we are also heard.

I hear you babe. And I HATE that your sweet eyes had to see that. I wish I'd have been able to hug you when you were here. :-(

Amanda said...

I know several shades of the powerlessness you touch on here. I am so fiercely sorry for what you've gone through, and the uncertain road ahead. I am grateful that you gave your blog back to yourself. You may lose your pen, forget your keyboard and have no voice, but Maggie, you will always have your words. And they will find their way out, don't ever doubt that.

Hugs t you and Merlot Mom.

Loralee Choate said...

I empathize with a lot of things here and I could spout volumes about some of them but right now, I highly doubt that is what you need.

I am so sorry for what you've been through. I'm sorry for everyone involved.

There is nothing more emotionally....HIDEOUS than knowing someone you love is in a life and death situation.

Nothing.

Natalie said...

I'm so glad that you had a space to write this out. It sounds like you have made your peace with it (as much as is possible).

Magpie said...

Oh, hon, I feel for you. You made me weep in my cubicle. I wish you peace and strength, and a strong cup of coffee.

And great big smootches to Merlot Mom for the blank page. I know how much a relief that can be - I once guest posted all about my mother, all the things that I can't and won't say in my own space.

Be well.

Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, oh, oh. OH.

(((hugs)))

fivehusbands said...

Maggie - My heart goes out to you and to your brother. Years ago I read Touched by Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison about her struggle with bi-polar disease and after reading her stories I was grateful that my only demon was depression. The pain she described was almost incomprehensible.

He is in my prayers.

Houston said...

Maggie,

I will pray for you and your brother. While this is a horrible thing to go through, he survived and now he is in a position to get help.

I didn't hit rock bottom, but I was on my way there and THE WIFE saved me. She convinced me to finally open up to my doctor and was there with me to help me admit things I couldn't on my own.

Every day isn't perfect, but I have hope again and I can enjoy the life I was given again. I pray the same for your brother.

God will be with you.

kristen said...

thank you for letting me know you wrote this.

my heart aches for you and your family and i hope your able to have some peace after writing it here. ((maggie))

Immoral Matriarch said...

My God Maggie. I won't delve into the topic, I think I've said 'I'm sorry, I don't know what to say' like 50 times already right? And everyone before me has said such marvelous, encouraging things.

So I will say that this post was simply amazing. I'm glad that MM gave you a place to get it out there, and yet saddened that you couldn't put it in your own space, as further proof to the world, to your readers, and to anyone that comes across your blog in the future that there is absolutely no one in the entire 'blogosphere' that can string together a sentence like you can. No one.

Hiding in Plain Sight said...

Gorgeous post, deeply felt in the core of my being.

I know the mental illness thing. I know the events that lead up to suicide, even if it doesn't manifest. (I have done many suicide watches for my son)

You are an incredible writer, and an incredible soul.

Thank you for raking the demons and putting them into sentences for all of us to savor.

just beth said...

Ah, Maggie. I'm so humbled by the fact you would include me in this. Thank you.

I'm so glad he made it. And that you made it. I'm just going to speak a very dear friends name now who actually went through with what your brother was attempting: Tim. My Tim.

My good thoughts and hopes and prayers are with you and your family.

And thanks to MM for giving you the safe space you needed to get this out. I can't wait for the the bitchfest from HBM to get my own off my chest.

xo, Maggie. Take care.

b.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Maggie, I'm so sorry for the pain you and your family must be going through. I'm glad you were able to find some relief through this guest post.

My thoughts are with you, take care.

-Jennifer

Jules said...

Thank you, Merlot Mom. for giving someone who's voice I value above all others a forum to speak.

Maggie, somehow, someway, it will get better. Damn, it's the least you all deserve.

Heather B. said...

Oh, Maggie. I'm so sorry. I've never been where you are right now but I sure as hell have been where your brother is right now. Lots of love and hugs headed your way.

Lea said...

I love you. I'll call later, we can talk about how screwy life is. Or you can listen to my message sending all my love. :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wow, look at all these wonderful people you have to support you. And that's just in an hour and a half! Yay for Merlotmom providing a space for you to express what you needed at the time you needed. I hope you're feeling better since you wrote this.

- Margaret

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I'm so glad you had somewhere safe to talk about it. My brother and I are extremely close and when I read your first sentence about your brother my heart jumped out of my chest.

Take care ~ xoxo

O'Neal (The woman in charge around here) said...

Oh my goodness, I feel SO terribly bad and cry for you and the fear of it all. I can't imagine having to think those thoughts but am so glad you were given this space to get it out. It won't make it all go away, but it opens it up mentally for you to breathe. Wounds, fresh or old, need air to heal.
I agree, writing is therapy. Being able to put it into words, even if they're scattered (which yours never are), can make you feel better enough to get up from it.
I was given that same outlet just this morning, by total surprise, and typed until my battery died.

I am not going to sit here in my room again all day reading. Like the past year of my life.

I'm going to go pull weeds from the garden with my little girl. And breathe!

'That Girl' said...

Maggie,
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I've been his wife and I've been you and there's no word to give, just prayers and thoughts. I hope the help comes and he accepts it..I hope addiction doesn't get another chance to hold you all hostage.

Mtnhighmama said...

Oh Maggie, there isn't a single thing I can say to make this better, and not a single thing to make it go away.

My ex-husband is bipolar, and I lived the scene you shared several times. It's heart wrenching, and exhausting and overwhelming and NOT FAIR.

but you get through it. and life returns to some normalcy. and that mawing hole in there, well... it doesn't really go away but it does lose some of its power.

And it's been enough days that you have picked yourself up by your bootstraps and moved on, but I'm going to send you hugs to that many days ago, and hope they made it to you when you needed them.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Merlot Mom, for this perfect space for Maggie to workout her pain. I think the inability to express it was worse than the experience itself. Incidentally, the unmentioned part was that she spared her dad and me the anguish by not allowing anyone to call us until after it was "over". For me the hardest part was spending the next day with Maggie and not being able to help her get to the point she had leap-frogged me to. Meanwhile, he is getting help and there is some real hope this time and I am so much more than grateful for this forum for Maggie to get out her wondrous words and exorcize this awful experience. Thanks, MM for the forum and thanks, Maggie for the relief, both mine and yours.

(Maggie's) Mom

Jozette said...

Oh my God Maggie. I have no idea what to say. I'm glad you were able to write about it here, safely. I'm so glad to have received your email telling me to come here to read it. I feel so much anguish for you right now. There are no words that could relieve you of your pain. But my thoughts are with you.

Felicity said...

What an amazing gift you are. You have such a way with words and you can just tell that it is your heart writing, both torn up and full of joy at times. Thank you. I find that I too struggle so much with where to share the pain, lifes puzzles, my frustrations without taking for granted the venue and the eyes in which will absorb my words. I am so glad you had this opportunity to do what you needed to do.

we_be_toys said...

I'm stunned by this - I know there are no words that offer panacea, to phrase that fixes the mess that life hands us. My heart goes out to you Maggie - you and yours are in my thoughts.

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Oh my dear sweet Maggie, I just don't have the words to express how sorry I am for you, your poor brother, and your family. I wish I could give you a hug that would relay every ounce of love and strength I want to send.

Im so glad you had this outlet to express what you needed to. Anytime you need the saft harbor of another blog, my little piece of annonymity is yours.

Take care, Maggie, go hug your babies, and that wonderful hubby of yours. They are what will get you through all this.

Jess said...

Maggie, I'm sorry that this happened. your others posts make more sense now. I'm glad that you had this outlet to help you through it. I know we are all "fans" of yours, but we really care about you to. There will be a lot of prayers and thoughts for you and your family.

soupisnotafingerfood said...

My heart is beating faster for having read this. That's some heavy stuff you're dealing with. Virtual hugs to you all, and thanks to MM for allowing you the space to post this... found you via Twitter.

Mr Lady said...

Merlot Mom, you are hereby declared the most awesome girl ever, giving Maggie this space.

Maggie, we need to talk. Pronto.

Elisa said...

Maggie, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what it must have felt like. I am glad you at least were able to find an outlet so you don't have to keep it all bottled up inside.

I'm sending you a hug - I don't have words of comfort, but I am here if you just want to vent. Because I agree with you in thinking that, too, is what blogger friends are for.

Queen Mutha said...

Maggie,

I had to clean out my son's dorm room after he overdosed in a suicide attempt. I knew that he was safe in a hospital, but I also knew that I could have been cleaning this room out while he was lying at a funeral home. I was in a state. One thing was, I was angry. That surprised me. He's better now, after years of hospitalization (he's schizophrenic) and he is stable, but he still can't live alone. I lived in fear for years that he would kill himself, but now I know that I can't keep him safe from himself. It's a horrible thing to deal with and take it day by day. It's the pits. Try to hang in there.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I am so sorry. My husband's father committed suicide, and we have accepted the fact that it leaves scars on those left behind that never, ever, heal.

I'm so glad he made it through, and hope that he is able to get the help he needs. You are so fortunate to have this space to have your own therapy.

I hope that the healing comes - for both of you.

Maria said...

Maggie:

I am so grateful you shared this story. I hope he finds the help he needs and can start the process of recovery.

Best of luck to your family.

Lots of hugs,
Maria

julie @ the calm before the stork said...

Dear Maggie,

You are such an extraordinary, amazing person. Thank you for sending me the link.

I bear witness. I send love.

I adore words, and I can't think of what I can possibly say. I'm haunted by the image of you sitting on the phone, waiting.

Your mother is amazing too. Her comment has me in tears.

Sending healing thoughts for your brother, and all of you.

And big love to Merlot Mom for being there in this pinch.

washwords said...

Oh, Maggie. Oh.

Thank you for sharing in your articulate, deep, beautiful way (like I expected anything else). What can be said? Yes, these pains and stabs are so much part of who we are for good and bad. and yes, creative people seem to have their share of them. I can't even imagine this though. Wow, you are a strong lady.

Thank you too for introducing us all to merlot mom. I'm subscribing stat to her most wonderful blog.

I have only one paranoid techie fear. if you REALLY don't want this linked to you... and to peeps you know... you should prob. take your name and link outta the post. anyone who does a google blog search for maggie, dammit or okay fine dammit can find you. Maybe that's okay. but just saying.

Thank you love. I'm struck more and more everyday by how deeply connected to "just a bloggy friend."

I'm glad you had this space and task to help you through. I'm glad we got to listen.

me - Jennie (now ya know)

JCK said...

Maggie, I didn't know your writing before this post. I found it gut wrenching and terribly real. I am keeping a place for you in my heart today. This was a brave post and I know that MM welcomed it. Synchronicity was definitely at work. I hope it helped.

kittyconcerto.com said...

Oh Maggie.....

Words can not express how incredibly sorry that you and your brother and the rest of your family have had to suffer thru this trauma. I haven't been reading your blog due to my own "death" in my family. But know that my heart is breaking for you and your brother.

But you already sound strong and that's good.

Big Hugs!

Maggie said...

Thank you for inviting me here to read this and be a part of your support system. I'm glad that you found the gift that led you to the toothbrush - first step my friend.

I am deeply moved by the horror you must have experienced and I am amazed at your strength. Keep it replenished. Hugs.

Headless Mom said...

Wow. Not much to say but I'm sorry you had to go through this.

My husband found out yesterday that a long time colleague and friend killed himself 2 weeks ago (apparently while we were on vacation). I'm glad to hear that this had a different outcome. My husband has been a basketcase for the last 24 hours since he found out.

And yes, it's hard to blog about.

mamatulip said...

Maggie, I had an inkling that something was going on with you, something serious - but I had no idea.

It seems so trite of me to say, but I'm sorry. I truly am.

I'm very glad that you took up Merlot Mom's offer and posted here; to get those words out of your system, to free yourself from the muzzle, is wonderful. To reach out and, in turn, to know that there are so many others out here thinking of you and your family...and we are...I hope that has helped some.

You know my email address and if there's anything I can do from my end, don't hesitate, okay?

Hang in there, love.

xo

Captain Steve said...

First off: Merlot Mom. You are a wonderful person that you let Maggie vent here. I have put you in my feed reader on that alone, because anyone that giving, is way cool by me.

Now: Maggie. Dude, that is some hardship, there. I'm glad you're brother is getting help, and that you all made it through. Also, thanks for emailing and letting me read this part of your soul.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I love you all so much. So much.

(Especially you, mom.)

Thank you.

nonlineargirl said...

Maggie, I am so sorry.

I can relate to having the need to express bump up against the need to respect others' privacy.

You and your family are in my heart.

merlotmom said...

Hey Maggie, MM here writing from the land of the rising sun. I'm thrilled you found the support you needed here and happy I could be a part of it. You're a lucky girl to have such a huge, loving support system. As far as the comment about being able to link here, do you want me to take the link off? Let me know and I'll do it as soon as I'm able (given the time difference, it's 7am here - 3pm the day before there.)
Oh, and the comment from your mom made me tear.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Nope, you can keep that link up. My brother is not one to Google. I feel certain that he will never see this, and those who Google my real name can't find my blog. And anyone who *is* that sleuthy and knows me in real life is probably already all up in my business anyway, and knows all this. My main point was not to exploit him on my own blog.

So it's cool.

I can't thank you enough for doing this.

NOW GET BACK TO VACATION! Shouldn't you be sipping a merlot or something??

Rock and Roll Mama said...

Oh, sweetie girl. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and so glad you have a way to get it out. When the world tilts on its axis, it's hard to see how it will ever go straight again. I hope yours upends itself soon, and that your brother heals inside and out. xoxo, L

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I just want to hug you and fix it all...for you...for your brother...for your family.

I don't write about this on my blog either because it's not my story to tell but my ex-fiance was extremely mentally ill. He called me once at midnight to tell me he'd just taken a bunch of pills and that before he died he thought he should call and tell me that he'd cheated on me with my best friend. I was sick from the pain of it but I knew I couldn't yell so (between clenched teeth) I forgave him and called his friend to go see if he was serious or delusional. When his friend arrived he found my ex-fiance overdosing and my best friend cowering in a corner. I'm not sure if he beat her but I assume he must have. I never asked. They took him to a mental institution, pumped his stomach, gave him electroshock treatments. His mother insisted I go to the institution because "not seeing him would make him worse" so I went and he told me the shock therapy and lithium had erased all the bad things he'd done to me so he didn't even know what they were.

For a long, long time I was so mad. Mad that he'd cheated me like that...mad that he'd been able to escape the memories of the things he'd done to me...mad that I had to be the one to suffer and do all the work when he was the one catered to as we all walked on eggshells around him.

It took a long time before I was able to understand not only the pain he must be in but also that part of why I was so mad was that everyone was so concerned about him that there was no one there to see that there was someone else in the background, picking up the shattered glass and cleaning the vomit out of the rugs and trying to keep it all together and failing miserably.

I'm so glad you have this place to vent because honestly, what you are going through is terrible and helpless and this is the time when you need friends and others to tell you honestly that it's NOT your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You are amazing and wonderful and compassionate and never, never doubt that. And if you do, you call me and I will tell you that personally.

Forgive the novel. I just wanted you to know you are't alone.

Velma said...

Oh, Maggie. I'm so sorry for this, and so sorry for everyone else who has gone through this. I, too, have an alcoholic, bipolar brother. A schizophrenic nephew. A brother-in-law so disabled by his psychosis that he hasn't worked in years, and yet another family member who graduated from high school 10 years ago and has lived in his parents attic ever since.

I'm so sorry.

Manic Mommy said...

Blogging has reinforced what I already knew to be true; most of us have mental illness in our families. If we supported rather than hid it from one another, we'd be a lot better off as a people.

I too have mental illness in my family. I know how hard it is. I pray for you, your brother, and your family.

jill said...

My thoughts are with you, I'm glad you got to get this off your chest! I know it helps to put it out there. I'm sending you a hug

Karen MEG said...

Maggie, my heart, well, it's just crying for you and your brother. I'm glad that MM had this space for you, and that sharing this helped in any way that it could.

Your words, my lady, are just exquisite. I hope they are helpful in the healing; and that your brother will stay on the path to recovery.

MM, kudos to you giving her this special spot.

Veronica said...

Oh crap hun.

I mean, what else can you say? I'm pleased you had somewhere to get this out. I know all too well about wanting to blog stuff, but being unable to.

merlotmom said...

MM here again. Trying to wean myself away.
No problem, I"ll leave the link up.
Your welcome and thank you for the traffic!
I'm off to have miso soup for breakfast!! We already had a 5.1 earthquake here! Welcome to Japan!

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I know we're already kinda freaking out about meeting each other. It's strange. But the content of our lives and the ways they speak to one another are un fucking canny.

nutmeg said...

and no platitudes...just my thoughts and prayers.

And your mother rocks.

Bean Hayden said...

God Bless You, Maggie.

my mother is a paranoid pschizophrenic. I too have held the phone when horror was on the other end.

my blogging about more recent events has helped me heal. thank you for sharing your story with us. we are all sending you strength and positive energy.

chasingjoy said...

Thank you for inviting me into this part of your life. My heart and well wishes go out to your family. I hope your brother is able to find some peace in his life. I'm sure he has suffered in ways most of us cannot begin to understand.

Cathy said...

Oh, wow.

I now have the back story to so many of your posts and am so in awe of your strength.

What you've just described ... I cannot imagine.

I'm so glad he didn't do what he could have done.

Am thinking of you and the rest of your family.

Neil said...

I'm sorry. I hope the best for your brother, and that he will find a way to work through and heal whatever pain he has.

Michelle said...

I am sorry.
Thank you for sharing that part of your life with us. I am glad that you found a place where you could let it all out.

We should all be so lucky to have such a place.

Daisy said...

Maggie, thank you for trusting in us enough to share. It's a horrendous thing to go through, and I hope you both find ease for the pain.

You're in my thoughts.

Kate said...

Over 60 comments later - I don't really think there is anything new that I can say. But how could anyone read this and not comment.

I follow a local blog written by a woman who while usually very, wrote a very serious post about losing her fiance in a similar situation. I feel like I keep hearing this story and it's always different but the same. And I don't know who endures the most pain - the person who doesn't want to live or the people that don't want him to die. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this.

Missives From Suburbia said...

Oh, darlin'. I'm so sorry. I'd hug you right now if I could. I'm so glad we could help just by being here to read and you could help yourself by blogging. Many thanks to MM for giving you a safe place to do that. I promise to push dozens of people to MM's blog if that helps make up for your inability to do so. Hugs.

the mama bird diaries said...

I am so sorry for everything you and your family are going through. May everyone heal.

Kat said...

Sorry, lovely Maggie. That sucks. I can and can't imagine being in that position, so helpless really when someone you love is suffering so much. I'm glad you posted it here, and glad it helped.

Kelley said...

So thankful that you had a place to come to let it out. So thankful that you shared with us. So thankful that you shared with me.

Love to you babe. And to your family. I hope that your brother finds the inner strength to go on.

texasholly said...

I am sorry. so sorry.

furiousBall said...

Maggie, this is tough to read and harder to actually be apart of. I hope life is being kinder to all of you and your brother is finding peace in a healthier way. Good thoughts to you and yours amiga.

QT said...

SO sorry for this, maggie. I am glad you found this outlet.

It's just one step at a time....

thatgirlblogs (shelly) said...

this is too much for anyone to handle on their own -- is there any help/support available to you? I am so glad he didn't go through with it, and can't imagine the pressure you must have felt and feel.

sending support in any way I can.

slouching mom said...

oh, oh. i am so sorry. but glad that writing this helped a bit.

sending concern and strength and good thoughts your way.

Judy said...

I found you via Whymommy on Twitter.

I am just so sorry for what you're going through, but glad that your brother is safe for now. My thoughts and prayers will be with your brother, you, his family, and everyone who loves him. What a terrible ordeal.

~ Judy

kimberly/tippy toes said...

Nothing more to add other than hugs.

Lovebabz said...

Stay in the small place of grace. The love you have for your brother is enough. The saving is not your call. Love him.

We are all frail somehow. Love the borken pieces.

I hold you and him in my prayers.

Insta-mom said...

Lots of thoughts and lots of positive energy being sent your way.

Tina said...

Maggie, I am so sorry. I hope you find some healing in expressing yourself here (and so beautifully done, too) and that your brother finds healing in the tremendous love that surrounds him. Please have your Mom give you a big hug from me (and give her one for me, too - she sounds wonderful.) We're here whenever you need us, sweetie...

MM, thank you so much for giving Maggie this space. You're a peach.

Mr. Noodle said...

Incredibly deep. I dont know you or anything about you yet I found myself right there with you. I want to compliment your writing but feel that that would belittle the essence of the story itself. I pray that all works out for your brother.

Wifey said...

So glad you were able to release here. The blogosphere is awesome. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Karoli said...

I was rooting for you all the way through your post. You and your brother. And I am glad beyond all glad that he did not succeed.

I have walked close enough to the edge of bipolar to know how dangerous it can be and I pray that your brother will get treatment that's effective and leave the days of alcohol behind.

I have friends who succeeded at what he tried in the exact violent horrible way he nearly used, leaving broken hearts and lives behind. Now is the opportunity for him to heal. And you, and his wife and your family.

My prayer is that you do.

ms. changes pants while driving said...

wow. i read your blog, dammit. and i came across this post through bs sunday. i'm so glad you found a place to let loose. i know what you mean about not wanting your real life people to know about things that you almost NEED your internet friends to know about.

i'm glad you found a release. you can post at my place any time =)

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/ Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5tal58

Tasses said...

Gone for a small vacation and I return to your email/post. As always, you amaze me with mad skills of honesty and wordsmithiness :-)

Lots of positive wishes and hugs sent to your family.

Heather said...

Well, this took me far too long to find. I was away for the weekend.

I have been chasing the answer to your question since my spirit broke at 17. I have played almost every part in the drama and even some that are beyond what a child should ever know.

There has been a few people that have given me this: "Roman in the corner tells me true love it waits, but of all the rules he lives by it's the one that he hates."

But you can trust that love waits and in here you have friends that love you.

Dr.Mani said...

To a writer, writing is catharsis.

I'm glad you found a place to pour out your heart. Many hear and share your pain - and wish it soon will heal.

All success
Dr.Mani

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, sweet Jesus. I'm glad you were able to find an outlet. Thanks to Merlot Mom for providing that for you...even unknowingly.

melissa said...

Maggie, please forgive, I have been gone for four days and am just now joining the programming in progress...

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I'm glad you found a place to do so. I am so terribly pained for you to have had to go through such a thing.

I am wishing nothing but the best recovery and peace for you, and for your brother.

~Much love~

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