Monday, August 25, 2008

Guest Blogger Makes Herself At Home - And Spills

Margaret from Nanny Goats in Panties is my guest host today. If you've read her you know she's a true original, just check out her blog name. NGIP can spin the mundane into something wacky and wonderful. In fact, she turned our first (and only) meeting into a kidnapping adventure. Of course, this was before she met me and realized she could take me with one hand wrapped around her Starbucks coffee. So, without further adieu, please meet the wild, the crazy, the always ludicrous...Nanny Goats In Panties.


Nanny Goats here, filling in for Merlotmom while she is away in Japan. Wow, I love this place. There's so much foot room! My rat hole is a studio compared to this palace. And helloooo, refrigerator! OMG. Look at all this food! What is she feeding, an army? And a sub-zero big box, at that! Nice. Hey, there's some left over chocolate cake in here, you want some? No? Okay, more for me then.

Have you seen the wine cellar? Come on, I'll show you. Watch your step. The last time, I came down here, I tripped and broke my foot. Hurt like a MoFo, but the lawsuit settlement should make some of THAT pain go away, you know what I mean?

Sayyyy, this dusty bottle looks expensive. You don't think she'd mind if I just opened this bad boy up, do you? Hand me those glasses will you? We've got some celebrating to do. It's not every day, you're asked to guest blog on someone else's site. What? You are asked every day? What, do you pay them or something? No? You a brown-noser? Blog whore? What? What? Don't get your panties in a bundle, I was only joking, jeez, here have a glass of this. Yum, hard not to gulp this stuff right down.

...

So, you know why Merlotmom is going to Japan, right? Oh, is that what she told you? Yeah, that's what she told everybody. Just so people wouldn't keep asking. That's her cover. But she told me a long time ago about this trip. It was probably before you even knew her. I'm one of her best friends, you know. You know how people have BFFs? Well, we're BBFs! You know, Blogger Best Friends. You'll understand someday, kid, when you get one. Want a refill? Here you go. Drink up, so we can open another bottle.

Anyway, she told me about this Japan deal before she even told her husband. And I guess since she's already gone and it's probably a done deal, it's okay to tell you now. In fact, I'm sure she'd want me to tell you, so that she doesn't have to go through the tedious process of emailing each and every one of you, or even blogging about it herself when she gets back. Plus she may even chicken out when she gets back, making up all kinds of crap about what she did there. All lies, no doubt. So yeah, I should tell you so you'll know the truth and you'll also know why she's keeping it from the rest of you.

Are you ready for this? Merlotmom is a man. No! I'm serious. Quit laughing. Do you remember that time when her voice cracked when she gave her acceptance speech for her last blog award? She sounded just like a guy. And do you remember when she blogged about the OB-GYN? She didn't know what the hell she was talking about. I mean, really, a tongue depresser in your hoo-ha? And what straight woman calls their female doctor hot? She never went to no OB-GYN. Because she's a man. Well, I don't care if you believe me. It's true.

What does that have to do with going to Japan? Well, I'm getting to that, so stop mooing, you impatient cow. She was a colonel in the Air Force and served overseas during the war. Which war? How the hell do I know which war. What does it matter? Pass me another bottle off that rack, would you, dear? So anyway, like I was saying, she served in Japan and she was a guy and she got this girl pregnant over there and it was a girl and this girl's all grown up and the mother called up Merlotman, oops - I mean Merlotmom, and said something like, "I raised this girl all by myself and now it's your responsibility to see that she gets a good college education, so I'm sending her to you when she turns eighteen next year." Well, next year is now, so she's going over there for some paternity test to prove she's not the father.

So that's why I'm here, because I'm the only one she could trust with the new puppy and all. Did I mention that we're best friends?

Anyway, the thing is, if this test turns out to be right, then her whole cover is blown and you can imagine how embarrassing that will be for her. I mean a daughter AND she's a dude? Can you imagine how the press would have a field day with THAT one?

So if you have any feelings for Merlotmom, you'll keep this information to yourself. Don't go blabbing it to everyone and if you do, don't tell her you got it from me, and if you do, don't come crying to me when she stops speaking to you because you broke her heart. Just keep your trap shut. This is hard enough as it is.

You sure you don't want some chocolate cake? Plus, I gotta feed the dog, speaking of which, did I leave the front door open again?

18 Comments:

Maggie, Dammit said...

Thanks for the wine.

I won't say a word.

You're hysterical. ;)

Manic Mommy said...

I'd love another glass! It's practically noon here on the East Coast. Doesn't s/he have anything besides merlot?

Don't worry about the Japaternity. My lips are sealed. Silent as the tomb.

(and thanks for setting the bar so damn high)

Jan said...

*snatches bottle of wine away from NGIP*

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, woman - give me that! I mean - honestly! Was this really necessary?

Remind me to NEVER a) allow you access to my wine cellar and 2) let you guest blog when you've gone there anyway. It'd be just like you to take an ad out in Variety, spilling the beans about me being the love child of Chuck Barris and Joan Collins.

Sheesh. Ain't nothin' safe with you.

Jenn Thorson said...

Note to self, let no Nanny Goats infiltrate the sanctum of Cabbages Central under any circumstances...

However, I wouldn't mind another glass of that wine, if you're pouring... Excellent vintage!

papercages said...

Always "in your brain and out your fingers" with you. You sure as hell can't be trusted with a secret. I get here this early and all the wine is gone already? (Great post!!!)

JD at I Do Things said...

HAR! Hilarious. And why do I feel so drunk? You seem to fit in pretty well over here, but your nanny goats miss you (and their panties).

JD at I Do Things

JCK said...

I KNEW there was something fishy going on. KNEW IT!

I'll need some wine, please. My image of Merlotmom is now shattered....

Ken said...

NGIP or as I like to call you "Nanny" you are just to funny. and what was the name and year of the forst bottle, I'd love to get one for my Sister!.


Tahnks I need a laugh for lunch!
Will return again when I get home.

Davina said...

Cheers to your guest post NGIP! You crack me up. Now pour me another glass :-)

Mojo said...

NGIP, I've always said you never do anything half-assed... be it making orange tabby road pizza, or outing somebody... you're all or nothin' at all aren't ya?. I admire that.

And no, Raleigh isn't a Proud Member of the Stepford Family of Communities. You're thinking of Cary. I know, I know... the boundaries have gotten a little bit blurred in the last 20 years or so, but there's still a distinction. Stepford also has a new franchise in Chapel Hill now. the name escapes me at the moment, but I went to a party there not long ago.

Thanks for stopping by, dear. It's always a pleasure. (As long as we hide the liquor anyway.)

-Mojo

Mojo said...

PS: You think you can introduce me to that Maggie, Dammit girl up top there? She's hawt!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Maggie? Mojo.
Mojo? Maggie.

Meg said...

I hope you don't mind, I brought my own beer.

Japan?

Iie des nee. Kirin wa, ichiban biru. Diasuki.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Hi mojo.

Rawr.

(and you like obsessive compulsive neurotic creative psycho married women loaded with baggage, right? Just making sure.) ;)

Midlife Slices said...

Geez this post has gone the gamut. Wine cellar raiding, secret spilling, gender identity theft, foolin around in a foreign country, paternity issues, and finally to making love connections for your readers. NGIP has it goin on. :)

Mojo said...

Maggie: I must... I married two of 'em!. And you're not fooling me... I know you're carting around all those bags for the tip money.

muskrat said...

I always figured you weren't right in the head. Now I know you aren't.

texasholly said...

OMG. NGIP rules.

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