Thursday, May 22, 2008

Stick Me With A Fork - I'm Soooooo Done


Here I sit, a bloated whale, stuffing my face with crackers when what I really want is wine and chocolate. (Is it bad to start drinking at 11am?) I'm typing v-e-r-r-r-y s-l-o-o-o-w-l-y because my hands are happier scrounging the bag of salty snacks than they are tapping this freaking keyboard.

I'm clearly, CLEARLY, in self-destructive mode at this point.

My friend, "Flo" (you remember her, you met her in 5th grade health education class) has not yet arrived though all her party guests have settled in comfortably: Zitty Zoe, Short Temper Stacy, Screamer Sally, Binge Eater Betty, Compulsive Bather Cindy, Lethargic Lucy, Procrastinator Polly, Fretter Frannie, and, the star guest, the caterer of this miserable, masochistic affair, the generous to an overflowing fault ... Muffin Top Molly!

Wait...we interrupt your regular whiny programming for this important rant...

A telemarketer just called. Is it me or are they working overtime now? I must have had 20 calls a day in the last week. Next one, I'm going to reach through the phone, twist and tear their intrusive tongue right out of their opportunistic mouth and feed it to my dog. (Even OTR, I have standards.) So watch out, this mama's jeans are pushing and poking her flabby stomach and she is looking for anyone, ANYONE, to take her anger out on!!!

Rooooooooaaaaaaaaarrrrrr!

Now back to our regular programming...

Painters, fumes, and a general mess, have me running from my house. My computer is still having mysterious, intermittent, drive-me-craaaazy connection problems. I'm homeless, technologically challenged, and a-big-fat-grouchy-whale.

When trying to induce labor, doctors advised me to walk uphill, have sex, stimulate my nipples (ewwww!). Is there anything, ANYTHING, I can do to help get this peri-menopausal, MoFo Flo party started?!

I dare anyone to suggest stimulating my nipples. I dare you. Grrrrrrrrrr.

10 Comments:

Amy said...

How'd you get the picture of the fork?

slouching mom said...

umm, you could have a hysterectomy?

i know, i know, bad joke.

i hate PMS.

InTheFastLane said...

I have soooo been there....
Maybe if someone else stimulates your nipples (she says as she ducks and runs away as fast as she can).

Manic Mommy said...

OTR - heh.

I think you're on the right track with the telemarketers; the best thing you can do is find an innocent victim and displace your anger on them.

SoccerMum said...

Very big LOL

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

You had me at "bloated whale".
All the way to "MoFo Flo".
:)

Dawn said...

Um ... at risk of personal injury, I'll say try having sex or at least a close facsimile that leads to ... uh ... you know ... the big O.

That can bring it on. Just like labor. Get that uterus contracting and push it on out.

And then it will all be better.

At least for three weeks or so.

merlotmom said...

Thanks for all you comments.
ITFL and Dawn: I see you listen to me about as well as my own children! Careful, no flo yet, still verrrry cranky.

Dawn said...

I never said anything about your nipples. : )

phd in yogurtry said...

"all her party guests have settled in comfortably: Zitty Zoe, Short Temper Stacy, Screamer Sally, Binge Eater Betty, Compulsive Bather Cindy, Lethargic Lucy, Procrastinator Polly, Fretter Frannie, and, the star guest, the caterer of this miserable, masochistic affair, the generous to an overflowing fault ... Muffin Top Molly!"

I am LMAO! Talk about RSVP Never!

As for the perimenopause periods, in MY case, I'm having too many visits from Flo. But..and this may help you in future? In my case, whenever I take several ibuprofen (lower back woes) for a couple or few days in a row? Flo pops right out.

So..not saying you should OD on Advil, but.... well ... there are emergencies.

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