Tuesday, April 1, 2008

PROZAC: TAKE ME AWAY!!!!



Last week I had it together. I managed to find time to work out, write, do some business and spend time with the kids. I even went with a friend to my very first Torah study class.

It was a good week.

This week...not so much.

I spent ALL of my free hours yesterday with a friend (thank you, Elisa) working on administration of THIS blog. It's like sinking all your money into the plumbing or the roof of your house - nobody notices it but you. To make matters worse, after all that time, we were able to complete some of the tasks but two of the most important ones remain unresolved.

Aaaargh!!!

Then to add salt to my already burning wounds, I read a glowing article in a well-known metropolitan newspaper about a high school friend who has turned a previously fledgling division of a huge corporation into a profitable company. She now heads up additional divisions of said corporation AND is the mother of three kids.

Aaaargh!!!

Okay, I'm thrilled for her. She was very nice. She was very smart and destined to do big things. But coming from the same origins, being her friend, I feel as if I've come up short.

Before reading about my friend I was satisfied. I had my little business, my little blog, my family. But reading that article raised something buried deep within me - hunger. Now my little business, my little blog - seem, well, little. I don't regret having left the corporate world (it was NOT for me). I don't regret being the primary caretaker for my kids. So, what's my problem?

I regret not working harder to achieve my dream.

That was a difficult sentence for me to get out.

Reading about my friend's success forced me to look at my life, my age. How I've spent all these years in comparison. It's a bitter pill. Although I love my life, I have not achieved success in writing, personally or professionally, and I have no one to blame but myself.

My little blog is a start. I created it to force myself to put my words out there for others to see. I can't help but wonder where I would be if I put all my fears of mediocrity aside and got down to the serious business of dream-making.

Scary.

4 Comments:

Manic Mommy said...

There's a quote by I think, Eleanor Roosevelt to the effect of
Never measure yourself with someone else's yardstick.

I've said before; we share the same airspace under the radar. Self-doubt blows.

When our kids are interviewed for discovering a cure for cancer or reaching Mars, they will say "it's because of my mother". Maybe our rewards are just taking longer.

Leendaluu said...

I think you are quite far from mediocre.

Toddie Downs said...

Okay, you posted on my blog, now I'm subscribing to yours. I think, but am not sure, that we might be spiritual twins. I like wine, you like wine; you like dark chocolate; so do I. You suffer from insecurities that other friends are more successful in writing than you - amen to that, sister. Although I would argue the point that you haven't achieved success in writing - your blog is enormously entertaining and it does give you an audience, whatever the size. I applaud your bravery for baring those nasty evil feelings - knowing others (like me) feel the same damn thing may help you to feel not quite so alone.

cpckqueen said...

Been living in that world for a while. Probably part of the reason I can't really commit to being a volunteer (not passionate enough about the cause I have been attached to). Have a friend who is a Neurologist, gave it all up to be a mom. She's fine with it.

Grass will always be greener somewhere else, I've just decide to live with the grass I have and maybe someday it will look just the way I want it to.

xo

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