Who Said Marriage Wasn't A Competition? (Warning- Profanity)

THE TRUST MATRIX

It seems everyone is admitting to infidelity these days. The onslaught of public confessions has brought my subconscious insecurities to the surface causing me recurrent nightmares. Two mornings in a row I woke my husband with a swift punch in the arm punishing him for his overnight betrayal.

I'm intelligent, I'm in touch with my feelings, I knew my dreams were not reality so I apologized, we laughed, and went on with our day.

Until...

circumstances led us to a situation with another woman. I know this woman, know she and my husband are close friends. I didn't question it...until others did.

Like poison seeping into the well through imperceptible cracks, I couldn't keep their words from entering my head. My gut and my brain went to war. My gut telling me that I know my husband and I would sense if something was different. My brain asking me, reiterating what others inferred, "How do you REALLY know? Does anyone REALLY know another person?"

The nightmares flooded back. Stories of Spitzer, Paterson, and countless others, public figures and personal acquaintances, betraying their loved ones rang in my head.

The insecurities morphed into anger. I was distant, curt. My anger made him impatient and we fed off of each other until a perfectly pleasant morning turned into a chilly and isolated afternoon. When I finally explained the root of my wrath he did not react with affirmations of love or nurturing murmurs of no need to worry. He got mad. It didn't occur to me that he would be upset at my distrust. I hadn't thought about it that way. I hadn't thought about him. At first I was defensive. Angry at me? I was angry at him. He had no right. But you know what? He did. After 15 years of infidelity-free marriage, didn't he (didn't we) deserve better from each other?

Marriage is hard. We make life-long vows to one person. We're human and vows are bound to be tested. Over the course of a marriage, both people will have opportunities to stray emotionally and physically. It takes commitment to the vows, to your spouse, and a serious consideration of the consequences, to not go outside the marriage. By protecting yourself, assuming the worst, it won't lessen the pain if your spouse is unfaithful. So why bother? It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. To project the worst onto someone, always assume they are capable of bad behavior, is to eat away at the trust and the reasons for good behavior become less clear.

On the other hand, if you trust your gut, assume the other person is the person they say they are, the person you believe they are, there still is that risk of a breech, of human failing. Others may deem you a fool, you may deem you a fool, but ultimately it's not about anyone else. It's about you, your spouse and your faith in each other.

LOVE, THE WIFE

I read somewhere in blogland that today is "Love Thursday". This fits right in with what I wanted to write about and that is...I can't believe I'm going to say this out loud, to other people... I LOVE MY HUSBAND. Hubby, are you sitting down? Ugh, that's even hard for me to write. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but that was BIG.

I am not one to publicly, or even privately, profess my love for anyone, other than my kids and dog (they're SAFE don't you know) but after this past week's blogs I figure he deserves it. Don't get me wrong, he still acts like a petulant child, gets on my nerves, pisses me off, oh wait, I was saying why I loved him. Right. Despite all his husband-ly behavior, he's a damn good guy with a damn big heart. And G-d knows he takes my shit, and, trust me, that makes him a good man because I am excellent at slinging the shit. That doesn't mean you shouldn't want to strangle him when he does the next idiotic, insensitive thing (check back tomorrow), I just wanted to go on the record.

I'm sure hubby is alternately blushing, confused, and basking in this right now. We are not the type for PDA's, we rarely treat each other to romantic gifts or cards, we often bicker. But as I watch many of our seemingly compatible peers split up, I realize that whatever we are, it works for us.

As we get older, it is ever more apparent, that couples are rarely what they seem to the outside world. I have stopped comparing ourselves to the facades, badgering for perfection, and making both of us miserable. Marriage is hard work and it's for freaking ever. Sometimes we're best friends, sometimes we're enemies, and other times, we're strangers asleep in the same bed. But when push comes to shove, we enjoy the same things: wine, travel, wine and travel, good food, wine and travel, honest friendships (remember we live in LA), and, of course, our children and our dog. On those rare weekend getaways, I recall why we got together in the first place (easily forgotten in the hustle and bustle we call home). We laugh.

I don't think I've lowered my expectations, I think I've finally learned the real deal. So, hubby, sorry for being such a bitch lately.

Now can you fix the computer, move the printer, fix the door on the entertainment cabinet, and pick up your own damn underwear?!?

Love, the Wife.