Sharing A Few Funnies

After a hike with my friend and our dogs on this gorgeous LA Sunday and a run to our local Farmer's Market, I just spent the last few minutes relaxing, watching these two clips and laughing out loud.
Nothing I say today can compete. 
So, if you haven't seen these yet, enjoy (and pardon the lead-in commercials, the skits are worth it.)
Have a great Sunday.

 

Give Me The Grateful Life Monday (eventually...)

 

"How are the Bat Mitzvah plans going?"  People ask when they hear it's less than two months away.

"Fine."

"So you've sent out your invites?  Bought your dress?  Ordered the flowers?"

"No, no, and, ummm,  no."

"Oh," they say pretending to be impressed while simultaneously creating space between you as if laziness is catching.  "You're so... calm," they add.  Where calm really means  HOLY SHIT WOMAN why are you sitting here talking to me when you should be home ordering yarmulkes with your daughter's name on them!

Needless to say, I spent this weekend stuffing, stamping, and addressing envelopes and I can already share with you a few of the errors of my procrastinating ways:

1.  DO order extra envelopes and DO NOT stamp them BEFORE you address them.  I apologize in advance to those guests whose beautiful envelopes arrive scarred with ugly cross outs, "N"s that look like they were once "M"s, and street addresses that say "Drive" instead of "Road".   I sure hope those last ones get to you :).

2.  DO have your entire guest list typed up and DON'T forget to include the addresses.  You don't want to be embarrassed (or drawn into another lengthy phone call with your lonely, great Aunt Sylvie) because you forgot to write the info down when you sent your "Save the dates".

3.  DO tally (DO NOT estimate) your guest list before you order your invites.  Almost is okay for horseshoes and hand grenades, but not when needing two more means you'll have to order 50 and wait another two weeks for delivery.

4.  DO NOT realize all this days before you leave for your tropical vacation when your calendar is already filled with day trips to amusement parks, Target runs, and double sessions with your Wii Fit trainer.

OY!   So much for calm.

"Hey," I can hear you saying, "it's Give Me The Gratitude - Monday, where's her f**king gratitude?"

And you're right (but you didn't have to get all bitchy about it.)
Here it is.  Jeez!

• I am grateful for the season opener of Mad Men and the chance to watch Jon Hamm for another short, but very sweet, season.
• I am grateful for the big, cushy lounge chair waiting for me on the big, cushy island of Hawaii.
• I am grateful for the Wii Fit cause in the next few days that motha's gonna beat my abs into bikini-ready submission.
  
• I am grateful for the cream-cheese frosted, triple-layer, berry cake from my favorite bakery, Huckleberry (which means spending more time with the Wii Fit but it was totally worth it.)

What are you grateful for today?

If You Don't Like Getting Drunk Dialed, Don't Read This Post

Okay, people, I haven't been around lately... Did you miss me? Did you even notice I was gone!?! I've stopped checking my stats 'cause it was not helping my Bipolar condition any. Some days you love me, some days you don't even know I'm alive. Yeah, yeah, you have lives, other loves, other friends. Sure, I'm not special. I get the message.

LOUD AND CLEAR.
I'M NOT DEAF, YA KNOW!

So... back to the reason I haven't been around. Well, it could be 'cause my parents were in town and I spent most of my time driving around LA or stuffing my face. It could be 'cause I'm getting ready for our trip across the world where I won't be able to read a single street sign (freaky), or it could be that I had writer's block so bad I couldn't think of one word to write that didn't suck balls.

I'm reminded of a scene from a Woody Allen movie ("Manhattan"??) where he's going down on a woman in bed but he's having trouble focusing because visions of his parents loom above his head, judging his technique and talking about him like he wasn't even there. (Now if that's not a 'Woody whacker' I don't know what is...ba dum bum.)

Well, since I rarely go down on my husband (yes, Tootsie F., I know we all should do it regularly to keep our hubby's happy but, cry me a river, when he starts treating me the same way he did when he WASN'T getting any...THAT's when I'll decide to give him some) my horrifying visions of parental criticism come to me when I'm writing.

(Insert NY Jewish accents here):

Mom (reading the monitor over my shoulder): "What!? I never did that! What the hell are you talking about? And...even if I did do that...who gave you permission to write about it? Sheldon, tell her she can't write about it."

Dad (over my other shoulder): "Eh, she could write about it if it were funny but I don't even think it's funny. Do you think it's funny? Now Woody Allen, HE's funny."

Soooooo, I haven't been around 'cause I've had parental-induced writer's block. Still kinda have it but since my parents are now in another time zone and since I went out to dinner and had a couple of Ketel One Cosmos, I still have nothing of value to say, but now I just don't give a shit.

Bwaaaaahhhhhh, merlotmom is scaaaaaary when she's drunk blogging. It's like gang bang drunk dialing. Wooo haaaa. This is fun. Maybe I'll give my husband a blow-job. Nahh. I'll go watch Mad Men instead. That Jon Hamm is hawwwt.

Oh, don't forget, see ya tomorrow for "Give Me The Grateful Life Monday" and the winners of last week's contest. Remember you can win 70 free prints from Snapfish or an awesome souvenir from Japan. Yes, Japan! You still have until 5pm PST to be a contender. (I'd link to the post but I'm still buzzed and now I'm horny and want to see Jon Hamm stick his hand up another women's coochie and then wrap his philandering digits around his stunning and pathetic sex-starved wife so you'll have to find the post yourself - you won't have to go too far, remember, I 've had writer's block.)

Okay, enough of me and my run-on lunacy. Tomorrow, my lovelies. I'm off to Hamm-land. I'm hot just thinking about it.

*photo courtesy of google images and myspace.com