Thursday, October 28, 2010

Forgive Me...and H-E-L-P

 photo courtesy of google images

Okay, I suck.

It's been a while.
Months in fact.
I didn't forget any of you.  I just, I just...

I just suck.

But, I come to you today, my dear blogger friends, not only to apologize for abandoning the blogosphere (I do apologize - though I dare not guarantee you it won't happen again), but to ask all of you for your help and support. (Greedy bitch, I bet you're thinking, who does she think she is.)

I know - I SUCK.  But I'm kinda desperate.

You see, this weekend I am embarking on a trip back in time.  Back home.  To the East Coast.  My 30th high school reunion.  Yes.  Gag.  30th. High school.  Reunion.

And...well... I'm nervous. Because despite the fact that I've grown into what I believe is a good person with a full life, great friends and an incredible family, I still wonder when I walk into that room...
Will anyone like me?


This is not me!  This insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy, the misfit-ness.  This is the person who I was.  Or, at least, who I thought I was.  I don't know... And do I need to know?  Why do all these feelings have to surface just because I'm about to see people I haven't seen in 30 years?  People who mean nothing to me today? 

Or do they?

Facebook.   Suddenly, with the upcoming event, classmates are popping up out of nowhere.  Creaky doors to decades gone by are slowly opening, drawing me into their darkened space.  I can feel the power swelling.  Will what's inside be a pleasure... or a Pandora's box?   

I'm not sure I want to reunite with the old me.  Who was the old me anyway?  I'm about to see her in classmate's eyes, hear about her in their recollections.  Did I know her as well as I thought I did?  Was she better or worse than the figment of my imagination?  What DID people think of me?   What WILL people think of me?  Will my hair look okay? 

I have paid too much money and spilled my guts to too many highly-trained strangers for all this emotional sludge to be backing up on me now.   I am waaaaay too old and tired for these pubescent spirals.

Please, I beg of you, oh-so-wise- blogger friends, offer me some pearls of wisdom so that I may walk into this magical mystery time warp the sane, self-confident woman that I am today.

Or am I?


Headless Mom said...

The cool thing about reunions is that everyone is feeling the same way. You'll find that: *you look way better than you think you do on most days, *there are some that have not aged as well as you might have expected, *people will be way more impressed that you live in LA than you are, *at 30 years most people are just glad to see everyone is there (versus the alternative of being 6 ft. under, if you know what I mean...), *you will be drawn to people that were probably not on your radar at all back then, and that can be a very good thing.

Oh, and my other piece of advice? Look in the "triangle" of eyes and nose to recognize someone. That part of the face doesn't change.


Manic Mommy said...

What you thought you were then was merely a rough sketch of what you've become. You've erased the lines that didn't work and created a masterpiece!

Manic Mommy said...

And everyone was fatter than me.

Jane Gassner said...

I just wrote a piece for about my high school reunion. I'll send it to you. Along with my heartfelt sympathy. Reunions are loved by those who loved high school; for the rest of us, not so much.

dkuroiwa said...

I missed my 30th reunion this summer...I'm not real big on reunions of any number, but....even though I dreaded the return, I did end up having a pretty good time. (we do our every 5 years)
Reunions bring out the insecrurities in all of us....and yes, Facebook will bring everyone and their proverbial dog out of the woodwork, may be surprised at who you find yourself talking to.

Just remember....everyone looks really good after a few drinks (I found that a shot or two made them pretty damn funny, too!)....notice how most of the guys have gotten a little thick (not headed, but...their bodies!), that made me kind of giggle...I suggest getting a spa treatment, (facial, massage, the works) before you go, you'll look better if you FEEL better...and remember, just because you go, if you really don't like it, you can always leave...have a great time!
of course, they will like you.
and no.
you do not suck.

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