Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Vagina State of Mind: My Humiliating Visit to the OB/GYN

I broke new ground with my OB/GYN the other day.  He's been my doctor for 16 years.  Delivered both my babies.  We're kinda intimate, ya know?

But during a routine visit a few days ago, we explored a new frontier in our doctor/patient not yet (or hopefully ever to be) explored with my husband.

Now, let me just say, my doctor is only a few years older than me and he is CUTE.  I was not beyond crushing on him big time during my pregnancies and I looked forward to my monthly visits with him with...perhaps...a bit too much enthusiasm.

But that was THEN (i.e. before babies when I had a sex drive) and this is NOW (i.e. after babies when...well...I could give a fuck (no pun intended). breaking new ground...

And let me just say...before you read on...that everything of which I speak was on a totally professional level.  No inappropriate moves were made and if I were less little house on the prairie about this sort of thing, I might not have even thought it was strange... a natural evolution between a girl and her doctor perhaps...but...

...yesterday, during my OB/GYN and I got to talking about my vagina and I asked if it was dying.   (remember this post?)

He said no.  I had a perfectly, healthy vagina.

And after experiencing a brief moment of pride relief,  he... he... he asked me do something with him that I've never had the nerve, or desire, to do with my husband. . . 

...he asked me to...


(taking a breath...)

Okay, I admit, there have been a few times in my life when I sneaked a peek at the ol' lady garden...but it was usually after a bath and always in private.  When I was young I looked because I was curious what all the commotion was about.  Later, when I knew and no longer cared, I only looked for practical reasons.  Of course, there was that horrifying beautiful and magical time when the doctor put up the mirror just before my son was born (what is it with OB's and these damn mirrors?).   I vowed then and there (after I stopped screaming) never to look at my womanhood close up - EVER AGAIN.  (I mean, the guys can look, they like that sort of thing.  Me, I'd just as soon take a pass.)

But here I was...different mirror...same man... same vagina.  And if it wasn't embarrassing enough watching him poke around my nether region, I was soon to become full-blown humiliated as I listened to him talk and watched his finger in the mirror... in horror... as it slowly, casually passed over, time and time again...

... an inch-long piece of toilet paper glued to my inner sanctum.

Look here, he said, totally disregarding what I could not take my eyes off of.   
See this?  he asked, pointing to something NOT the thing that looked like surgical tape stuck to my formerly pretty, pink privates.

Oh, I saw it all right.  

It was like 7th grade health class but instead of the class snickering while the teacher pointed his stick at some overhead projection of some generic diagram,  they were snickering while the teacher pointed  his stick AT ME...and the CHARMIN ULTRA stuck to my hoo ha. 

I was a living, breathing, adolescent anxiety dream.

I made light of it, as I always do when I'm uncomfortable.  I cracked jokes.  But my doc didn't care about the toilet paper (I guess I wasn't his first).  He was trying to teach me something and since I've always prided myself on being a good student, I tried to listen. 

But SHIT.  Who was I kidding?

I mean COME ON!

So, after yesterday, I'm pretty sure it will be a while before I explore my lovely, feminine field again.

Until then, hubby, it's all yours!

*photo courtesy of google images


AMomTwoBoys said...

OH MY GOD. That is my NIGHTMARE. I'm always so paranoid about it. So I bring baby wipes with me when I go to my OB and I, uh, clean up with them before my appointment.

Maybe you should try that.


Andrea's Sweet Life said...


While I was pregnant this last time, I was up in the stirrups and my midwife, who has always been great about walking me thru what she's doing, casually said, "And now I'm removing this piece of toilet tissue from your labia. I hope you don't mind."
GAH, the horror!

Christine said...

I had my yearly yesterday! (We're so close, it's scary!)

Basically, I always try to go directly from the bathtub to the GYN. Mine reminds me of a cross between Jim Henson and Jesus.

I love that you were humiliated at the office but fine to blog about it.

ByJane said...

oh god....must stop laughing. must stop peeing.

when I first started reading the post, I thought--see, that's what comes of never had your pelvic exams at the LA Free Clinic, where they gave us our own personal speculum and encouraged mass viewings. When I finished reading the post, I thought--shit, what is it with these women and toilet paper stuck to their hoohahs....wait, is that a problem I've had too and just never knew it.

I'd love to have this for MLB--but you probably don't trust me not to illustrate it a bit too graphically.

heather... said...

OMG! I thought I was the only one stuff like this happened to! HA!

anymommy said...

I don't even want to know how many times that has happened to me in my three pregnancies and I haven't known about it. You have helped me immensely tonight. No mirrors. Not ever. (And way to see the humor, freaking hilarious.)

Kara said...

hahaha omg this is the funniest thing i have read all day! i would d.i.e.!!!

Rick Staggenborg, MD said...

OMG, you are hilarious. I am a psychiatrist who remembers the first pelivic I ever gave. I was "volunteered" to be the examiner for as my class watched me invade the inner sanctum of the nurse who volunteered to be the "patient."

I was sweating bullets as I tried to remember everything I was told about how to do a sensitive, technically correct and thorough exam that would leave the woman feeling as if this were just another day at the office.

I was sure that I had done well as I saw her broad grin as I completed the manual portion of the exam. If you think you were embarrassed by a bit of toilet paper, think how I felt when she said "Do you know where your thumb is?" I looked down as the class erupted into raucous laughter and saw that it was firmly planted on her clitoris.

Moral to the story: When you pull your thumb out of your ass, watch where you put it.

Rick Staggenborg, MD

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

oh god. I'm sorry, this is the kind of thing that is hilarious if it happened to someone else, horrifying if you're the one it happened to :-)

My doctor has two monitors, one facing the patient so I always see. And I always avert my eyes, because man, that thing is ugly.

What did he want to teach you?

Crap I Hate said...

Loving this!! Can't wait to read more! My OB/GYN told me once about a patient who sneezed during an exam and shot a speculum right through the drywall. Those poor bastards have seen it all, right??

PS. I love my kid's betta fish. Almost more than I love her.


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