Thursday, August 28, 2008

Daddy Trainee

I met Mike from The Newborn Identity briefly at BlogHer and liked him immediately cuz he's Heather's husband AND he's a writer living in LA. (I don't meet too many of those in San Francisco.) I didn't get to hang with him much that weekend but since reading his blog, I believe we're good friends. I love his take on being a SAHD and thought this blog could benefit from a hit of testosterone. He's a great writer and a terrific dad so without further Mike.

I was totally okay with being a stay at home dad. Some guys find it
below them, but not me. I realized that the most important job anyone
could have is raising a child, and within minutes of Maddie's coming
home I decided I was going to rock the world of the stay at home dad.
I was way over confident and had all these ideas of how awesome I was
going to be…that is until I learned the actual duties of the job.

One of the first duties I learned about was the changing of Maddie's
diaper. This proved way harder than anyone had told me. Previously,
whenever I talked to women about changing diapers, they all said, "Oh
my God! When you change a diaper watch out for the geyser of pee that
could burst out of a baby boy's pee-pee at any moment!" I heard this
so many times I thought, "Whoo-hoo! Changing the diaper of a girl baby
will be a cinch! Well, ladies who complain about baby boy wieners that
pee, perhaps you should have told us men that when you change a girl
baby's diaper you have to first wipe poo out of her vagina!!!! This
may seem less gross than a peeing baby penis to you, ladies, but to
dudes? Not so much! In fact it is just about the most disgusting thing
us dudes could ever imagine!

Anyhoo…once I got used to cleaning the part referenced above…I then
had to take Maddie to the doctor. I did my best to be a good dad and
packed an extra diaper, food, wipes, you name it. Once I got to the
doctor's office, however, they told me to undress Maddie so she would
be ready for the doctor once she came in to see her. I took off
Maddie's clothes and she started crying.

"She must be cold," said the nurse. "Wrap her in your blanket."

I gulped. "My blanket?"

The nurse sighed like I was a jackass. "You didn't bring one?"

I shook my head like a guilty little boy. She left the room and came
back with an adult sized hospital gown that she told me to wrap Maddie
in. Once she left I wrapped Maddie in the hospital gown and felt like
a total loser in the parenting world. I realized this stay at home
Daddy thing was not going to be as easy as I thought.

I am happy to say, however, that nine months in I have improved so
much at parenting that I am unafraid to call myself a pretty damn good
stay at home dad. Wiping poo from the va-jay-jay? No problem. I can
even do it without vomiting! Remembering blankets for the doctor's
appointment? Check. No problem. And, of course, the most important
one…loving my munchkin like nothing else in the world? Check.


Surfer Jay said...

This week I learned two lessons about babies. One is that when boys pop a boner they can pee straight out of the top of their loosely fitted diaper and right onto me. The other thing is that my feelings have been solidified, thanks to Mike’s startling revelations above, that I still don’t want a girl. Doesn’t mean that if I did I wouldn’t love her too reeses-pieces. But what guy would of ever thunk it? But why shouldn’t I have thunk it, I have to scrub my boys balls when changing a diaper, so how could it be any different with a girl? Ahh the things we do to raise clones of ourselves. Great revelations dude.

Ms. Moon said...

My husband was good with the kids. He really was. But one thing he could not do without gagging was to change a poopy diaper. Now the reason I could never figure out why is that he's a hunter and can kill, and gut and cut up a deer into steaks and loin, etc. Without getting sick. And then enjoy eating the meat.
But a poopy diaper had him gasping for air.
I think you have shed a little bit of light on why that was.

HeatherPride said...

Oooo, I might be in trouble here. I never take blankets to my doctor appointments - and I'm on my second kid! oops!

AMomTwoBoys said...

Dude. I totally forgot a blanket for Zach's 1 year check up yesterday. Oops. Luckily it was 80 degrees outside, so it wasn't too chilly indoors, but his little feet were icicles by the end of the appt.

And I'd be SCREWED if I ever had to change a girl diaper. I'd have no idea what to do. Parts would be would be terribly confusing.

And my word verification is "ponax". I'm not sure why that's amusing, but it is.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Here's a little something: did you know that if you don't "pull apart" a baby girls' va-jay-jay often enough, her labia minora can fuse together? And then you have to apply estrogen cream to her labia minora at every diaper change, while pulling her va-jay-jay apart? And that little girls really, really don't like that?

Yeah, neither did I until recently. I was of the thought that you don't go PULLING on ANYTHING.

Her dad said to let it stay fused till her wedding day. Hah.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wow, you always hear about the boy's pee fountain, but I'd never heard about the poo in the girl's va-jay-jay. (non-parent here, obviously)

Nice post, Daddy!

Maggie, Dammit said...

I kinda wanna kick that nurse in the ovaries. Is that wrong?

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