Should You Ban Your Teen From Social Networking?

 

*photo courtesy of google images

Many of you readers have children too young for this to be of concern -  YET.  Trust me, it will be a HUGE concern to you sooner than you know. 

I was intrigued, though sadly not shocked, when I came upon this Huff Post article about a principal suggesting parents ban social networking access from their teenagers.  My interest was especially peaked because the daughter of one of my dearest friends is a recent victim of cyber-bullying.  My heart goes out to my friend everyday as she is in the throes of talking with the principal as well as legal authorities to determine the best action to take against the offender.  (Not to mention how to handle the emotional repercussions for her daughter.)

Cyber-bullying is all too common these days. We've seen it most recently in the story of Phoebe Prince.  I think it's worse than the traditional "playground" bullying we experienced because online anonymity breeds a braver, fiercer foe.  And if you think cold viruses spread fast on campus, try sneezing out a few vitriolic germs online, they multiply faster than you can say H1N1.

I've given this a lot of thought.  My immediate opinion upon reading the article was to disagree with the principal in New Jersey who pleaded with parents to ban their middle-school aged kids from all social networking sites.  I don't believe it's realistic. Like trying to force abstinence - it's a nice thought, we all wish it could work,  but short of the Amish...it ain't really gonna happen.  But that's a whole other box of condoms...

My first thought was to agree with the commenter who said that since we teach our kids proper social behavior in other places where we have less supervision than the home: church, temple, school, friend's homes, why not teach proper etiquette for the internet as well.  Education.   Of course, not every kid listens to their parents but where would we be if we didn't try.  Right?  Social networking is a new frontier albeit a dangerous one, but as someone said in the article, the danger comes less from where most parents think it does, the sexual offender lurking in public chat rooms, than from people in your child's own circle of online "friends".

Makes sense.

But then I remembered what I said to my friend when she called desperate for what to say and do with her teenager who had gotten into trouble that was quickly inflamed on the internet. And what I said was, "Take her off EVERYTHING!  Facebook, Twitter, everything."  I had the same reaction as the principal whose thoughts I was rejecting only minutes ago.  Hmmm....I gave it more thought.

And I've come up with what I think is comfortable for me.  I'm going to keep allowing my middle school child to use the internet and social networking sites AS LONG AS I have access to monitor her communication and AS LONG AS her behavior is acceptable to me.  In other words, the internet will be a privilege she will have to earn and keep earning.  As far as the people she "hangs out with" online, if I find their behavior to be unacceptable, she will have to un-friend them.  It's not perfect.  I know.  I can't control other kids out there, whether on the internet, at school, wherever.  Things can happen even with my system of checkpoints.  But do I think it's fair for me to ban her from a social lifeline the likes of what the telephone was to me and my peers as a teenager?  No.

So what do parents do?

Education, like the commenter said.  How/when/how much to use the internet is the parents' responsibility.  (And, I believe, should be the school's as well but considering the serious struggle just keeping teachers on staff these days I highly doubt that is gonna happen). 

Monitor.  Monitor.  Monitor.

Get the parental controls.  Keep the technology out of the bedroom.  I LOVE the idea from the article of hoarding all the technology in a central place overnight - one where the teenager can't get access.  It's not perfect, I know.  Kids will get around it, I know.  But I believe if you cut your teenager off ENTIRELY from something that is central to their social identity, you are asking for them to become even more clever than you at finding ways to subvert your authority.  And, trust me, push them up against a wall, and they will.

Think back to when you were a teenager...okay, don't.  As a parent...way too scary...

What would you do?  Do you think banning social technology from your teen is the way to go?  How are you keeping them safe from cyber-bullying and internet harm?

I'd really like to know...

Bullying - It Takes A Village.

I was interviewed here yesterday on the subject of bullying.  The producer of the show sought me out because of this post she found on my blog.  My son's aggressive behavior which was of concern to me in the post was not chronic (which I think would have better suited the show's purposes) but they liked what I had to say on the subject and how I said it so they invited me on the show.

Let's see...

NPR - LOVE. 
Lisa Belkin/Motherlode blogger - ALSO LOVE
WNYC - hometown radio, LOVE

After initial jitters and concerns, I was in.



Since the interview, I've been reading the discourse from commenters here and here and here and it's obvious that bullying and the extent to which parents are responsible for it is a heated and thorny subject.  A majority of the commenters feel that having a bully for a child is solely the fault of the parent, whether through modeling or encouraging of bad behavior or through ignorance of their child's action or whereabouts.  I have more to say than was possible on the radio so I thought I'd say it here and then open up the floor for discussion.

First let me say, that though the radio show labeled me as the "mother of a bully" (I'm still wincing), what didn't get revealed was that, as a teenager, I was the victim of bullies (three different sets of them).  Once in summer camp where I was placed on trial in front of a jury of my peers who judged me guilty and then silently and wickedly tormented me (as girls do) for the remaining two weeks of camp.  Once in junior high when a group of my friends (including my very best friend who suddenly became popular) turned on me and made my life miserable causing me to fake illness many a day so I wouldn't have to face them.  And then again in high school when I joined in with a group of kids who spent more time hanging out smoking pot in the back of school than studying.  When I realized I'd rather get good grades than good weed I stopped hanging out with them and they took it as a rejection (which, I guess, it was). 

For most of my junior year I was verbally teased, taunted and threatened by them.   They called me J.A.P., snob, and scolded me publicly for thinking I was better than them.  For months, I found different ways to get from class to class and quiet places to eat lunch just to stay out of their range.  One Saturday night they called my house at 2am, drunk, threatening that if I showed up at school that Monday they'd push me into an open locker and lock me in.   My parents eavesdropped on the call and it was at that point that I finally told them what was going on.  Before that I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED to do so.  My father gave me a wrench to put in my purse and instructed me to hit them with it if they came near me.  They didn't.  But they continued their bullying and I made light of it at home not wanting my parents to get further involved and risk me additional humiliation. 

During the last days of school, during NY Regent Exams, I was exiting the building after a test and walking to my car alone.  Some of the girls, my ex-friends, appeared behind me and started in with the usual taunting.    What wasn't usual about this time, what upped the ante, was that they had with them a new friend, a six foot tall, heavyweight, black kid whom I'd never seen before, yet who seemed to hate me every bit as much as the girls did.  I said a few words, telling them to back off and stepped up my pace to the parking lot.  They too sped up and before I knew it the big guy was throwing eggs at me.  I made it to my car and as I pulled out of the lot covered in yolks and tears, I watched as they huddled, convulsed in tears of their own, of laughter.

So I know what bullying is about first-hand.    I am sensitive to it.  I do not role model this behavior for my child and I do not condone it.   Yet my son was acting like one anyway.  That is why I was so concerned at the first sign of his unacceptable behavior and why I sought help from my blog readers, our coaches, and some professionals.  That is why this argument from commenters about parents of bullies being bullies and encouraging bullying behavior incenses me.

You cannot just blame the parents.  Remember Hillary Clinton and IT TAKES A VILLAGE - well it does.  It takes the parents, the school administrators, camp counselors, after-school coaches, and any other adult your child comes in contact with in their busy life.  If you have this kind of support you could be in good shape, but even with it, I feel that the argument the commenters are making forgets one very important thing - the influence of your child's peers.  Notice how I don't say friends.  A teenager is often more influenced by a kid they don't like - a more popular kid, better athlete, dangerous kid - than ones they do.  Teens operate out of wanting to belong and out of fear.  So while I think parents have "control" over their kids when they're young, they lose it as the children become teens and their actual hands-on, day to day involvement becomes less, and the outside influences of their peers becomes more. 

I believe as parents it is our job to teach them to be good moral people with compassion, empathy, sensitivity and respect.   But I also believe that as they grow older and gain independence we have to (to some extent) cross our fingers, hope they listened, and hope for the best. 

Your child is a part of you, they are OF you, but they are NOT you.  Even the best parents cannot be with their children at all times, nor should they, and even the best parents do not have ultimate control over their child's thoughts and behaviors.

It would be wonderful, comforting, and easy to think we do but we don't.   I am not arguing that some parents in some situations are, in fact, responsible for their child's bad behavior for the reasons mentioned by some commenters.  But I do argue with the statement that ALL parents of ALL bullies are bullies themselves and I think that those who believe this are wrapping themselves into a nice, warm, cocoon of false security.  It can't happen to me because I'm not like that. 

Obviously I am passionate about this.  What about you?  Share your opinion but please be civil.  We are all adults here, not bullies.  :)

Merlotmom On The Radio!

(Sorry, the link doesn't seem to be working.  Click on the Takeaway link below if you'd like to hear the interview.)

 You guys know how much I love NPR and PRI so when the radio show, THE TAKEAWAY on WNYC asked me to speak with Lisa Belkin, author of the NYT blog, The Motherlode (also a favorite), how could I refuse?

They'd read this old post of mine and in light of the Phoebe Prince tragedy, asked me to comment.  I think I sound okay considering it was 3:45am my time.

BTW, is that really what my voice sounds like???  Strange.

Give Me The Grateful Life - Monday

I am grateful for television.
I am grateful for baths.
I am grateful for wine
      ....and my bed.

That is all...

Yet Another Mommy Screw-Up: When Will It End???????

It was an atypical Wednesday afternoon at the MM household.
And by atypical, I mean peaceful.

Merlot Girl (her new name, you like?) gets out early on Wednesdays, so I picked her up and took her for a haircut.
While she was pampered, I  relaxed in a comfy chair, eating a tasty Subway salad and checking my emails.
We picked up Merlot Boy (you like?) from school promptly at 3pm.  No rushing, no fretting.

We returned home to no evidence of destruction - no shredded magazines, no chewed up shoes, no signs of paw prints on the kitchen island.
All was good with the world.
And continued to be,
As the kids did their homework without fuss,
As I walked my two dogs around the block,
As I chatted with neighbors,

UNTIL,

At 5pm,
With one call to my cell,
My blissful bubble burst

P-O-P!


"Hey," my friend said, "I've been calling you.  Can I pick up my boy now?"
"What?!" I screamed into the phone, in shock, my brain slowly processing my  mistake.

"Alright," she said, not believing me.  "Just have him ready, okay?"

Why would my friend believe me?  I've often pulled pranks of this nature; pretending I'd forgotten to pick up her kid, or neglected to feed him dinner,  or let him swim in an unheated pool in 50 degree weather.

I don't do it much anymore (I'm maturing I guess), but rest assured it was only with a select few who I knew could forgive handle my SICK sense of humor.

"Holy shit!" my stomach fell.  "I forgot to take him home!  Shit!"  

Today was my day to carpool.


Realizing I was telling the truth she panicked, "Where do you think he is?" she asked.  "How long do they keep the yard open?"

"I think someone's there 'til 6,"  I tried to reassure her.

"Alright, I'm going to look for him."
"No," I demanded. "Let me go.  Please.  I feel awful.  I want to go."


I locked my kids in the house with a rushed, cryptic explanation.  I sped through the neighborhood, slamming the gas pedal and making perfunctory stops.  As I ran onto campus,  I did not see him.

What if something happened?   I thought.  What if he's upset?  What if he's crying?  Why didn't he call anyone?  Shit, I'm such an idiot.

And then there he was.  Waiting.

I threw up my arms, "I'M SORRY, I'm sorry, it's all my fault."
I explained how I was supposed to pick him up, how I totally spaced (I'm mostly into the honest, adults are totally imperfect approach) and I promised him a huge ice cream.  (Good, right?)

He was cool about it, unharmed,  immediately taking advantage of the situation by trying to wrangle a cell phone from his mom.

But it made me think that something so obvious to us, like finding an adult or going to the school office to ask for a phone, isn't always obvious to a kid.  When I asked him about this, he said the adult supervisor he knew was inside with another group, not on the yard, and he didn't think that the office was open.  I explained to him the various options should this ever happen again. (Not by me, of course.)

I apologized profusely to the mom who was also cool about it (thank G-d), I came home and explained the situation to my son so he, too, would know what to do if I ever didn't show up as planned.

So my atypically peaceful afternoon ended precisely at 5pm.
It's just about 6pm and my house, once again, reeks of typical.
My son is bitching about feeding the dogs, my daughter is conference video-chatting with friends, and I am sitting at my computer, writing, with a nice, big glass of red wine by my side.

Dinner? Who's making dinner?

Typical.
Sort of.

Breeeeeeeathe.......


*graphic courtesy of Google Images