Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Danger Zone: My Family Better Get It Together - Or Else

We have a sign posted outside our front door:

Caution: Puppy Enter At Your Own Risk

Okay, we don't really have a sign but it's a damn good idea.

Peanut has become comfortable in our household. She's destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of soccer balls, swim goggles, toilet plungers and telephones.

She's tricked us by cooperating for a few days: turning away from tasty, two-ply, double rolls of Charmin, resisting the temptation to jump onto counters, and keeping herself from kidnapping sweet, young things from the fruit bowl only to leave their 1/2 eaten corpses under the couch to die.

She gets our guards down so we loosen the reins and then...she attacks.

Well, fool us once, Peanut, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on...
everyone in my family except ME.

You see, people, I've had enough.

Enough of Peanut using our family and friends as spring boards and chew toys.
Of watching her push boxes, topple chairs, and leap over gates as she escapes full-proof restraining systems.
Of witnessing her fly over our couch like a chocolate gazelle and slide onto the coffee table like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.

I love you Peanut, but there ain't room in this house for the two of us.
You're just a puppy. This is isn't all your fault.
So, a message to my beloved family.
Shape up or Peanut ships the hell out.

I don't wanna do it. I'm hoping this will light a fire under your asses to ACTUALLY HELP WITH THE DOG LIKE YOU PROMISED.

Oh, you've forgotten those tranquil days of yore? The ones where you took Miss Greta for granted? Complaining about her lack of the fetching gene, her being a "lemon" lab who doesn't run or swim? You longed for a dog with pep, vigor, vitality - you wanted a puppy.

Well, you got what you wished for my lazy, little, loved ones and it ain't all soft fur and puppy-breath kisses, is it? Until now, I've been the one to bear the brunt of your chaotic canine craving but, as of today, I'm stepping aside.

From now on, you will feed her, brush her, train her and play fetch with her BEFORE she starts chewing vitamin bottles and capsizing Mommy's flower vases. You will all do this EVERY DAY (including you, my chronically, absentee husband), not just once in a while when you're feeling generous.

Remember, I was the person who didn't want to disturb the peace.
I was the person happy with just my Greta.
She and I understood each other.
We had a groove thing goin' on.

So, as much as I love Miss Peanut, and I do, it is up to the three of you lunkheads to get your acts together and do what it takes to care for her. And, no, that doesn't mean whining for me to clean up the pencil fragments or pry her out of your ice cream sundaes. It means handle it yourselves.

Leave me out of it.

Or else.

Consider yourselves warned.



JCK said...

OH, MY! You are So on the right side of this. Shame on them! Puppies are SO much work. Cute. But, work. I'm sending the good, come on family step to it!, vibes your way!

Connie said...

Way to put your foot down!

Good Luck!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I'm having the exact same problems with my cat.

Manic Mommy said...

Hello, Pot? It's me, Kettle. What happened to Give Me the Grateful Life Monday?

Pssst: Don't worry Peanut, Merlot Mom's all piss and vinegar.

Florinda said...

Puppies are cute so that they lull you into forgetting the WORK involved, and they don't train themselves. I really hope the family steps up to this and Peanut gets to stay.

cpckqueen said...

miss blogess,
i am dying to know, can a cat actually be trained?!

miss merlot,
i am tempted to trade you but i am waaaaayyyyy to lazy!

Lynn - the piggy bank painter said...

I had the same problem with my 2 dogs. They are both almost 1 yo now. They were running the house and it was so stressful. Then we had a family talk, and we all became the "alpha" dogs. The dogs now have to sit and wait for everything...going in, going out, getting fed, going up and down the steps....WE are ALWAYS first now. But we all have to train them together.

Tell you what, just adopting the "I am the alpha dog" mentality made a huge difference. Sounds silly, but it really did. I was ready to get rid of dog number 2, but now I enjoy both of them.

Did I mention having a squirt bottle on hand works wonders? It's a great harmless way of getting the dog's (and kids') attention. Good luck and don't give up.

* I'm having a CONTEST! Have you entered yet? *

ByJane said...

When I was six or so, my dad brought home a boxer puppy. It was soooo cute and it slept with me and I got to name it myself, which after much thought on a walk down the road I came up with the name of all time: Little Junior Janie. And then my mom, well, I guess she felt like you do--although why I'm not sure because what's there to taking care of a puppy. But anyways, she declared she was having a Boxer Rebellion, and Little Junior Janie had to go. I think I'm still mourning that....

AMomTwoBoys said...

OOoooohhhh, I LIKE this fiesty you.

Your Pal Pinki said...

Lynn is right. Make them watch Ceasar Milan. He'll say you've got to wear Peanut out so she won't have the extra energie to make your household crazy. Taking dogs for walks, lots of them, is the best way to accomplish that. It really helped our energetic schipperkes calm down. She also knows who the bosses are, not her.

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