If You Don't Like Getting Drunk Dialed, Don't Read This Post

Okay, people, I haven't been around lately... Did you miss me? Did you even notice I was gone!?! I've stopped checking my stats 'cause it was not helping my Bipolar condition any. Some days you love me, some days you don't even know I'm alive. Yeah, yeah, you have lives, other loves, other friends. Sure, I'm not special. I get the message.

LOUD AND CLEAR.
I'M NOT DEAF, YA KNOW!

So... back to the reason I haven't been around. Well, it could be 'cause my parents were in town and I spent most of my time driving around LA or stuffing my face. It could be 'cause I'm getting ready for our trip across the world where I won't be able to read a single street sign (freaky), or it could be that I had writer's block so bad I couldn't think of one word to write that didn't suck balls.

I'm reminded of a scene from a Woody Allen movie ("Manhattan"??) where he's going down on a woman in bed but he's having trouble focusing because visions of his parents loom above his head, judging his technique and talking about him like he wasn't even there. (Now if that's not a 'Woody whacker' I don't know what is...ba dum bum.)

Well, since I rarely go down on my husband (yes, Tootsie F., I know we all should do it regularly to keep our hubby's happy but, cry me a river, when he starts treating me the same way he did when he WASN'T getting any...THAT's when I'll decide to give him some) my horrifying visions of parental criticism come to me when I'm writing.

(Insert NY Jewish accents here):

Mom (reading the monitor over my shoulder): "What!? I never did that! What the hell are you talking about? And...even if I did do that...who gave you permission to write about it? Sheldon, tell her she can't write about it."

Dad (over my other shoulder): "Eh, she could write about it if it were funny but I don't even think it's funny. Do you think it's funny? Now Woody Allen, HE's funny."

Soooooo, I haven't been around 'cause I've had parental-induced writer's block. Still kinda have it but since my parents are now in another time zone and since I went out to dinner and had a couple of Ketel One Cosmos, I still have nothing of value to say, but now I just don't give a shit.

Bwaaaaahhhhhh, merlotmom is scaaaaaary when she's drunk blogging. It's like gang bang drunk dialing. Wooo haaaa. This is fun. Maybe I'll give my husband a blow-job. Nahh. I'll go watch Mad Men instead. That Jon Hamm is hawwwt.

Oh, don't forget, see ya tomorrow for "Give Me The Grateful Life Monday" and the winners of last week's contest. Remember you can win 70 free prints from Snapfish or an awesome souvenir from Japan. Yes, Japan! You still have until 5pm PST to be a contender. (I'd link to the post but I'm still buzzed and now I'm horny and want to see Jon Hamm stick his hand up another women's coochie and then wrap his philandering digits around his stunning and pathetic sex-starved wife so you'll have to find the post yourself - you won't have to go too far, remember, I 've had writer's block.)

Okay, enough of me and my run-on lunacy. Tomorrow, my lovelies. I'm off to Hamm-land. I'm hot just thinking about it.

*photo courtesy of google images and myspace.com

LIVING UP TO MY NAME

It's Friday.
Fun Fact Friday as I so creatively appointed it last week.
Well, here's a fun fact... I'm drunk.
It's 4pm in the afternoon, my kids are watching tv downstairs, the dishwasher repair man just left after 20 minutes work with $300 of our hard earned $$$, and I'm at my computer... D.R.U.N.K.

Not, if I stand up now I'll fall down, drunk. More like, having trouble getting my ass downstairs to make dinner and fingers slipping off the keys drunk.

It 's all been accumulating since last weekend. If you've been reading my blog (my Feedburner feed's not working so I have no idea whose even reading my damn blog!!), you know I've had a week of computer hell, sick child hell, and post-sickness child-in-regression hell. I've been accosted 14/7 with ear-splitting shrieks, whines, and full-out screams. I 've been a hair's distance away from self-igniting.

No amount of exercise or hot baths are helping. Even going to my usual supermarket today, the one I know like the inside of my own kitchen, the one that in that strange only mommies can understand way, sometimes gives me peace, only contributed to my frustration. I must have tranversed the market at least 6 times having forgotten this and forgotten that. Arghhhh!

So here I sit, with my glass of merlot (okay it's syrah - shhhh, don't tell anyone), reading blogs and worrying about pondering what to write. But I think I've pondered too long because my glass is near empty and so, too, is my brain. But I need to write. I need to write more than I need to mother, more than I need to run my new business, more than I need to be a wife. It's true. And feeling as if I'm giving that part of myself the short-shrift is most probably the root of my condition.

But, before I bore you with more blather...I'm going to share with you (it's Fun Fact Friday!!!) something funny a friend sent to me.

"When all creative coffers are kaput, when all you can manage is to cut and paste," I say,"steal from the tried and true, the genius." So without further ado...

"Next Life" by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.


I'm going to set myself or my house on fire now....have a nice weekend.