The Danger Zone: My Family Better Get It Together - Or Else

We have a sign posted outside our front door:

Caution: Puppy Enter At Your Own Risk

Okay, we don't really have a sign but it's a damn good idea.

Peanut has become comfortable in our household. She's destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of soccer balls, swim goggles, toilet plungers and telephones.


She's tricked us by cooperating for a few days: turning away from tasty, two-ply, double rolls of Charmin, resisting the temptation to jump onto counters, and keeping herself from kidnapping sweet, young things from the fruit bowl only to leave their 1/2 eaten corpses under the couch to die.

She gets our guards down so we loosen the reins and then...she attacks.

Well, fool us once, Peanut, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on...
everyone in my family except ME.

You see, people, I've had enough.

Enough of Peanut using our family and friends as spring boards and chew toys.
Of watching her push boxes, topple chairs, and leap over gates as she escapes full-proof restraining systems.
Of witnessing her fly over our couch like a chocolate gazelle and slide onto the coffee table like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.

I love you Peanut, but there ain't room in this house for the two of us.
You're just a puppy. This is isn't all your fault.
So, a message to my beloved family.
Shape up or Peanut ships the hell out.

I don't wanna do it. I'm hoping this will light a fire under your asses to ACTUALLY HELP WITH THE DOG LIKE YOU PROMISED.

Oh, you've forgotten those tranquil days of yore? The ones where you took Miss Greta for granted? Complaining about her lack of the fetching gene, her being a "lemon" lab who doesn't run or swim? You longed for a dog with pep, vigor, vitality - you wanted a puppy.

Well, you got what you wished for my lazy, little, loved ones and it ain't all soft fur and puppy-breath kisses, is it? Until now, I've been the one to bear the brunt of your chaotic canine craving but, as of today, I'm stepping aside.

From now on, you will feed her, brush her, train her and play fetch with her BEFORE she starts chewing vitamin bottles and capsizing Mommy's flower vases. You will all do this EVERY DAY (including you, my chronically, absentee husband), not just once in a while when you're feeling generous.

Remember, I was the person who didn't want to disturb the peace.
I was the person happy with just my Greta.
She and I understood each other.
We had a groove thing goin' on.

So, as much as I love Miss Peanut, and I do, it is up to the three of you lunkheads to get your acts together and do what it takes to care for her. And, no, that doesn't mean whining for me to clean up the pencil fragments or pry her out of your ice cream sundaes. It means handle it yourselves.

Leave me out of it.

Or else.

Consider yourselves warned.

Love,
Mom

The Yin and the Yang: Canine Style

So, based on your comments, I've scared many of you into NEVER getting a puppy.

This was NOT my intent.

Really.

I would love each and every one of you to go out and rescue a puppy, or even better, an older dog.

But I think there is an upside to having shared all this misery with you.

If you are considering bringing a dog into your life, you need to be aware of the good, the bad AND the ugly. A new pet, particularly, a puppy, comes with the whole package.

It had been 13 years since we'd lived with a puppy. We rescued our third dog when she was 3 years old, so she, besides needing to learn how to walk with me rather than drag me down the street at 60mph, blended into our family seamlessly.

We were spoiled...and senile. (Like after childbirth when you swear you won't go through that freak show again only to forget your vagina widened to the completely horrific and unnatural size of a watermelon and you end up WANTING to do it AGAIN. And the fact that your husband even wants to venture back down there after seeing that Nightmare on Wifey Street, is a testament to his need for SEX love for you.)

Part of this is our fault. Because we didn't get a crate right away. We prided ourselves on having raised three dogs before; we thought we were pros.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Okay, it felt good to get that out.

So, we hired the trainer and now, within a day or two, I can confidently walk the dogs without risk of tripping over them or being dragged into a neighborhood doggie gang bang. We purchased the crate inside which Peanut slept all night without a whimper and allowed us to wake up without any untimely deaths to our socks, underwear, book lights or Pokemon cards (THAT did not go over well with my son - talk about hitting him where it hurts).

So, I hate to speak too soon, to jinx anything, but now that we've been humbled into realizing we need to earn our supremacy over this cute, little ball of energy, I hope that the situation will make a turn for the better.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're so inclined, you SHOULD consider ADOPTING a dog because he/she can be an amazing, fun-loving addition to your family (not to mention a way to teach your kids, and sometimes yourselves, responsibility) BUT you must be aware that while it is a lot of fun, it is also a lot of work and it's incumbent upon you to do the work to make living together all it should and could be. These dogs just want to please and they give so much love in return.

So, though I'm sure my carpets will again be doused with unfathomable amounts of disinfectant, and my arm muscles will fatigue from the workout, I want you to know that I LOVE my Peanut despite all the troubles we've had adjusting. I love when she cuddles with me and rests her little, peanut head in my lap. When she moans as I pet her ears. When her scrawny little body takes in entire bowls of food. When she rests her soft, furry body on top of my feet as I sit at the computer. When she learns how to stay, heel, and come. She is a great dog and in time, I know, all will be lovely.

SHHHHHH... both dogs are sleeping at my feet right now. Sooooo cute.