Give Me The Grateful Life - Monday (and much rambling)

 

Nothing like watching an Oprah episode with mom bloggers to make me remember, "Hey, I'm a mom blogger too!"  That is, I would be if I paid any attention to my dang mom blog.

Hey, Oprah, It's me.  Merlotmom.  I'm over here.

I'm a bad mom blogger.
I'm a bad mom.
I'm a bad wife.
 

You see, as much as these women were on the show to let us all know that in some ways "we all suck", that none of us are fairy-tale moms, that few of us are horny for our husbands, and that THAT IS ALL OKAY, just the fact that these women were on there, that they had published a book, or were starring on a tv show, or were making oodles of money with their blog (Hey, Dooce!), or just looked so damn pretty on tv!, MADE ME FEEL WORSE.

Why can't I focus on something long enough to be Oprah-worthy?  Why do I feel like I work so hard, am so tired all the time, but never actually succeed to the point where anyone else would notice?  

I seem to have developed adult-onset ADD.  I can't focus on anything long enough to make significant strides.   I dabble in my blog, I write fiction but I don't submit it for publication, I don't like lunching with the girls, and I am a fair-weather FaceBooker and Twitterer.  Aaargh.


I don't usually watch Oprah during the day cuz I don't have time but it's spring break and I was supposed to be watching the kids swimming in the pool, but I got caught up in Oprah instead cuz she was talking to my people, and see, I do suck as a mom cuz someone could have drowned while I had my feet up, munched on sugar snap peas (lunch) and listened to my mommy peers, dammit! 


But the episode did give me a swift kick in the ass, so here I am, merlotmom, fickle mom blogger, writer of run-on sentences extraordinaire, danger to everyone's children,  to present some KICK ASS GRATITUDE FOR THIS WEEK.  (did you see that coming??)

1. I am grateful that my husband is having surgery on Thursday and that he is traveling for business right after so that I don't have to play nursemaid for long.  (Suck it judge and juries, I said I was a bad wife,  sheesh!)
2. I am grateful that it is Spring Break and the weather is nice and I don't have to carpool anyone anywhere.
3. I am grateful there's no homework for a week.  Yeah!
4. I am grateful someone else is doing Passover Seder. (Except for the soup cuz no one beats my soup.)
5. I am grateful for our trip to Disneyland tomorrow cuz we're going with a friend who got us all VIP passes and there will be no long-ass waiting in lines for us.  Yeah, baby!

What are you grateful for this week?
Or how bad do you suck?
Whichever floats to the top my friends...

(and no, I am not drinking in the afternoon, not yet, anyway...)

Funeral For a Vagina: An Open Plea To Oprah and Dr. Oz

 

"My vagina is dying," my friend told me on the phone yesterday.
"Come on!" I replied as I put down my tea and instantly started doing kegels.
"No, really.   My vagina is literally wasting away. My doctor says I have vaginal atrophy."
"No, shit!"  I said as I pictured gravity having it's way with my friend's once taut pelvic muscles.  "What's it from?" 
"No estrogen.  Fucking menopause...sucks."

My friend is a few years older than me and close to (if not already at) the dreaded "M".  Which is actually just the closing ceremony for the preceding and interminable PM.  All the mood swings, hot flashes, painful sex, weight gain, and other fun hormonal fluctuations that lead up to actual menopause are the real work of perimenopause, it's evil younger sister.  Otherwise known as the P.M. of your life.  Otherwise known as Pretty (freakin') Miserable.

"You have an angry vagina, the doctor told me," my friend continued.  "My fucking vagina is red and swollen, shedding away, and withering on the vine.  My vagina's angry? I'm the one who's fucking angry!"

Of course, I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation long after we hung up.  I'm in my mid-late '40s and have had some signs of "PM," so naturally I couldn't help but think "there but for the grace of a few years go I."  I googled vaginal atrophy and did some armchair research.  Here is the Mayo Clinic's definition:

Vaginal atrophy (atrophic vaginitis) is a thinning and inflammation of the vaginal walls due to a decline in estrogen. Vaginal atrophy occurs most often after menopause, but it can also develop during breast-feeding or at any other time your body's estrogen production declines. 

Symptoms include dryness, burning, painful intercourse, incontinence and a host of other "shoot me now" ailments.  The silver lining on this dark and itchy cloud is that the discomfort is treated quickly and simply with creams or medication.  The discomfort.  Not the fact that your genitalia is dying.

My morbid curiosity got the best of me and I linked to other related sites (thanks Google);  sites about pelvic organ prolapse, vaginal rejuvenation, and other side-slapping, life-affirming topics.   

Nothing makes you feel your mortality like a decomposing vajayjay.

The research states that many women suffer from this ailment in silence, out of ignorance or embarrassment.  It made me wonder, where's Oprah?  Shouldn't she be out there warning us about this?  Obviously her producer's let this one slip through the lady business cracks.  

I mean, who is going to support us in our post baby factory years if not the big "O"?

And for that matter, where's Dr. Oz?  I feel betrayed.  Abandoned.  Is this just another brick in the wall of the male conspiracy to keep women down?  I don't see mens' penises shriveling up.   Ohhhh noooooo.  And, please, at the first signs that their machinery was aging, the pharmaceutical companies (run by men) and male medical researchers were up and adam developing Viagra, Levitra, and whatever else to keep those joy sticks pumping.  But women?  Nobody's rushing out to help us with our plunging pelvises and volatile vj's.  Instead, we're told that the way to prevent having to dead-head our lady gardens is to have more sex.  Lots and lots of sex.  Ugh.  Sound suspicious?

So where does this leave us?  I'll tell you where...with husbands running off to find young, blushing pink, smiling privates, while we stand alone at the funerals for ours. 

So, Oprah and Oz, you've got the world talking about evolution's reason for pubic hair, the size and color of our poop, and most recently (thank you) hormone therapy.  Here is my suggestion for your next topic:

TAKING BACK OUR VAJAYJAYS.


The world is ready.  We have you and Eve Ensler to thank for that.

We women want our vaginas back.  NOW.

Thank you.

*photo courtesy of google images

Give Me The Grateful Life - And We Have Some Winners

Here are the current entries for Give Me the Grateful Life...
Keep 'em coming - Never too late for a little gratitude.

A Mom Two Boys said...

-Iced Tea
-Wine
-Pacifiers
-Dark Chocolate
-Costco

Your Pal Pinki said..

I'm grateful for...
...the warmth of the sun eventhough it sizzles my skin
...my sweet growing children who don't always take us for granted.
...our cute black animals who bring us unconditional love and joy.
...the most understanding, supportive and fun hubby in the whole world
...a positive outlook on everything I do and my wonderful parents who helped me develop it.


Good & Crazy said...
I'm confused.
Which is of course easy to do. It's late?
Those aren't the grateful things...
Hmmm...
Avocados. 5 of them.

P.S. Original said...

1.I'm grateful for....
my hidden stash of coconut and chocolate chips.
2.That my cholesterol is good enough to keep eating my coconut and chocolate chips.
3. That I can see horses, deer and cows everyday near my house.
4.That my daughter loves her Mama...really, she told me!
5.That my son told me about his tattoo before he showed his Dad.

Lynn said...
I'm grateful I am not the only one NOT in San Francisco.
Oh, and chocolate. And cheescake. Definitely cheescake


McSwain said...
I think it's a great idea! I just did a list of 100 things that make me happy (over several installments), and I'm grateful for all of those things, too. I'm grateful that I had no trouble coming up with 100!

slouching mom said...
grateful for blueberries
grateful for summer twilights
grateful for central air
grateful for my children
grateful for my health

Bobbi said...
I'm grateful for... the unconditional love from my animals
I'm grateful for... my health
I'm grateful for... my family and friends
I'm grateful for... a job I love
I'm grateful for... carpet cleaners

HRH said...
What fun.
I am grateful for coffee. At least twice a day.

Remember, here's how it works:

1. List five things for which you are thankful. (Try to repeat as little as possible each week in an attempt to dig deeper for the often unnoticed things worthy of our appreciation.)
2. Post your gratitude list on your blog and make sure to link to merlotmom and credit "Give Me The Grateful Life" in your post.
   
3. Email me a link to your post.
   
4. I will put it on my blog so others can link to you and see how wonderful you are.

Please join in.
May the good karma be with you always.
Namaste.

ALERT: THIS BLOG IS KILLING ME

As parents we talk incessantly about the over-scheduling of our children - the homework, tutors, piano lessons, sports, the internet. But what about us? By the time I reach the bathroom in the morning I'm already short of breath thinking about the tasks ahead of me.

The NYT article about blogger burnout and the advice I researched hasn't helped. I'm an addict - addicted to keeping up in the blogosphere and it's a mad, mad, mad, MAD world out there. I'm trying to stay present, meditate, be "in the now", I'm even participating in the Eckhart Tolle/Oprah class but that's time away from my computer - I'm overwhelmed! I want to achieve my best in my home business and my blog (not to mention everything else!) and I'm already at risk of burnout after only a few months.

I blame the internet. Expectations are much higher now given the easy access to information; I'm convinced it's the root cause of my anxiety. As an example, let's say I google one question on how to get more traffic to my blog. Within seconds I'm inundated with hundreds of options. I feel like Robin Williams in "Moscow on the Hudson" when he first came upon the cereal aisle of an NYC supermarket. Sure I can pick and choose but how will I know I've got what I need without reading them all (or at least a lot of them)? That doesn't include the links and references from each of those articles to others and let's not get started on Twitter, StumbleUpon or other networking sites. Before I know it my ass has been glued to my chair for hours, my eyesight is blurred, and my brain is fried after reading an encyclopedia's worth on the subject.

My problem is compiled by the fact that I don't have one question about blogging or my business, I have dozens. Multiply a few dozen questions by the available answers on the w.w.w. and you get - see, that's what I feel every morning when I wake up. This age of technological advancement isn't good for neurotic, over-achievers like me. Do you think they're in cahoots with the prescription drug industry?

I know, I know, I can hear you saying "step away from the computer, breathe, girl, breathe." You're suggesting to be less of a perfectionist, to read a book, take a bath, play with my kids, relax. Yeah, yeah, been there done that. Only after my self-imposed electronic exile I come back to my desk which is peppered with post-its alerting me that I've once again forgotten to schedule the painter, fix a broken window treatment, pay the bills, not to mention improve my blog.

When I discovered google reader I thought, "Great, an organized way to get my morning cup of intelligence!" Only it's less like a cup and more like a bottomless vat. I get so excited when I read a blog or an online newspaper that I subscribe not wanting to miss the next installment. Within a day or two I've got 350 emails giving me a shout out every time I walk by. "Hey, where ya going? Read me, read me."

I'm having trouble breathing...

So here I sit, my ass on this g-d forsaken chair, burned out on my business, stressed about blogging, dissing my kids and trying to find peace in this 365/24/7 world of information overload. One reason technology was invented was to save us time. Well I'm spending too much time trying to save time. Stop the tech express - I want to get off!

Virgin Territory

If you're reading this blog, it's likely been a long time since you've used the term virgin to describe anything about yourself. Sadly, I am a long way from the anticipation of fluttery first kisses, the taste and smell of a new boyfriend, and yes, having a tight "va-jay-jay" (thank you, Shonda Rhimes and Oprah for adding this euphemism to our vernacular!). These firsts are decidedly a thing of my past.

This is why I'm writing my virgin blog... I NEED YOU... my girlfriends, my peers, to keep my life interesting when everything is the same day after day, meal after meal, sexual rebuff after sexual rebuff.

I'm admittedly a failure at making phone calls and scheduling lunch dates but I am exceptional at communicating by email so I figure this might work. Besides, I'm tired of trying to catch up with friends while washing the dishes, while my kids scratch each other's eyes out, and while my husband chimes in with clueless commentary. And nobody needs to hear me lose my shit because my son's nerf ball has, once again, whacked me in the head at 20mph.

So, about the title. I discovered the maternal virtues of drinking wine while heating up yet another frozen dinner. Dare I say it - the vino actually made fish sticks FUN. The trouble was before I knew it I was pouring a second glass and the next thing I remember my son was kicking me out of bed for drooling on his pillow during story time.

So, my New Year's resolution, in addition to maintaining a one glass minimum, is to connect more often with my friends - my beautiful, sleep-deprived, fun-deprived, dream-deprived friends. More than just once a week, or once a month. Possibly even every day! I said possibly.

Girls like us need to stick together: to commiserate, to inform, to inspire, and once in a while, to make us blow snot out of our nose with laughter. So read this with your java in the morning or put the kids to bed and pour a glass. Consider this your girl's night out. No sitter necessary.

P.S. Once I get the ball rolling, I would love to include guest writers so get your fingers ready, if you're so inclined. And should you feel compelled - please share the love with others! Thanks.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - Let's make this a memorable one!